(rant) it is frightening

It frightens me to be gay in the social-economical place where I live, for many many reasons.First of all, because I don't even know if I am gay, I feel emotionally attracted to many women and very few men, but i almost never feel sexually atracted to women, yet I have very low libido and most of the times I can't finish at sex regardless of the gender of my partner, it feels like something in my brain is broken and I will never find someoneSecond, how shallow gay culture tends to be, it's always a competition, having the best body, the most things, being the most fabulous, or having the most pefect boyfriend (and it shows, just look at me post popular gay wedding posts, all white men that look like models) these are things that lose sense (at least for me) because of the lack of monogamy, most gay couples tend to go threesomes or swingers, what's the pint of getting married if your will not have enough with one person?And third one, how gender roles tend to be almost a rule in straight relationships, I don't feel comfortable when people put high expecations in me just because I am the man and how "man up" can be so convenient for the girls when it comes to pay the bills and act like feelings can't overwhelm me too I just don't know how to handle these thoughts I guessEnd rant, and sorry for the wall of text