Do looks matter to gay guys? I'm 21, gay geek, slim, introverted and not masculine in dating or friends.

Hi guys. I'm an overthinker and also very suicidal because of my severe trauma from my past on guys teasing me for my looks or seeing me as a play toy for sex. My name is Deon and I'm from Phoenix which is a decent city to live in besides gay guys out here being on the DL and acting so called straight acting lol. I had experienced sex before but never dated and really worry what you guys think of me and everyone else. Please don't be harsh.I was about to cut my arms tonight or having thoughts because of my loneliness and really think I'm worthless on this earth since I have severe depression, OCD, and also Autistic . Growing up, I wasn't all social or macho like other guys should be because I didn't want to fake myself and being someone else and even other gay guys wanted to hurt me for it. My mom was a single mother ( bless her heart ) because I didn't act all aggressive and wanting to act like a male stereotype by being into cars, screwing girls, and being all muscular as it seems most gay guys dream of that and find me unattractive or just a nobody for who I am even though I accept myself. I'm 5'6 weighing 120 and I'm mixed black with curly hair and having a slim frame and also have a geeky personality by wearing pajamas, colorful scarfs, beanies, and graphic shirts. I'm also not social since I'm a loner and do things alone. I love myself for who I am but I think I'm not good enough to even have friends because you guys or other people will say go to bars, meet people, and sleep around like I need to fit in. I really want to cry because I even had taken a risk to talk to guys on online dating sites such as OkCupid, POF, and also tried Grindr but was a horrible app and had a bad experienced from there that almost taken my life. That's when I was used for sex and even had my phone stolen from me by some guys when I was 18 after running away from home and having family problems. I think about everything and never had real friends and was taken advantage of my size, not being masculine, and feel inferior to taller well built masculine guys who seem straight and intimidating. All I care for is personality in a guy way more than looks and was considered as a ghost to all types of guys in my lifetime so far. Thank you for reading. My heart really hurts right now and also dealt with panic attacks and insomnia so I have major health issues and used to be in Special ED as a child and got bullied at school and no one supported me as much since I'm also a guy.If any of you wants to PM me, please do. I'm still new here so it will take time for me to get used to. I just really feel scared and very lonely and