I have just realized that I am gay! Help! I am having a major crisis.

I am now in my early twenties, that's how long it has taken me to admit to myself that I am gay!During puberty I remember thinking how weird it was that everyone found female boobs and asses attractive. I thought it was odd and I remember always having fantasies about some of the guys at school. Never found straight porn interesting and I would always just watch soft-core gay stuff, mainly hot teens and self-made videos. But in my head I was just "curious". I was normal is what I told myself. I would have fantasies of having sex with myself too and just fapping while looking at myself in the mirror. Is it normal to find oneself sexually attractive? I am gay right? I think the only time I felt attracted to girls is to those who have boyish features.I grow up in a conservative Muslim country so I never got to experiment around with my sexuality and have never met a gay person in my life :( I feel so alone. It's like I will forever be a virgin. I currently live in a western country but everybody I know is straight. I got asked if I have a girlfriend from my bodies and it's always hard to admit that I have never had one in my life, nor do I want one. I can never come out of the closet, I would lose a lot of my friends and hurt my parents and family given their background. I live by myself in a western country, far away form my parents.My mom is always asking me if I have a girlfriend and always talks about how great it will be once I am married and have kids and how happy she will be! Should I just pretend to be straight and live a normal life? I would like to have kids of my own one day! So what should i do about that? And another problem is that the kind of men who I find attractive is kinda small :( and I never feel attracted to older/hairier men. I also don't fit the gay sterotype at all.Honestly it sucks that I never got to experiment sexually and that I am totally by myself. I lack intimacy in my life, like honestly, when I fantasize about it, I just want to hug a guy close to me and just embrace him.I feel very sad from the inside, I have many friends, but they are all straight even though I find some of them attractive but I will never become intimate with any of them. Due to my cultural background, coming out is not an option! What makes things worse is that I am also an ex-muslim. And that is also something I have to hide from a lot of people (Luckily not here in the west). I really don't know what to do with my life! I am a student and I am doing very well at uni, so supporting myself in the future will never be an issue. But I am close to my family and don't want to lose them. Where can I make gay friends? And should I come out to anyone? It makes things so difficult :( WHy did I have to be pron gay! I did not ask for this.........Please help, I dunno what do with my life! The only thing I can think of is just living like a priest