I'm gay and I'm not okay!!

Dear readers,I'm a 25 year old male from New Mexico. These last couple of days have been hard for some reason. Harder than usual and i can't wrap my head around it. i feel not here, not on earth, not in my own body basically invisible....and i don't mean invisible to others just to myself if that makes sense. As I'm typing this up my eyes are starting to water. i don't want to live anymore. i don't think this life has anymore to offer. life has been hard on me and i don't want to make it seem like I'm looking for pity because I'm not. i have done bad things, things that are wrong on many levels and i think that's one of the reasons i just don't want to be here anymore. Some times i want to be religious but then i remember that I'm gay apart from all the fucked up stuff i have done and i just can't be a hypocrite. is there even a god? and we in hell already? i would be gone already if it werent for my family, my mom mostly. I been diagnosed with severe depression amongst other things wrong with my brain. if you were to meet me on the street you would think that I'm a very funny laid back guy, you would like me just like everyone i know does...but they can't see that i don't love myself. they dont know that everyday that i open my eyes in the morning I'm like "Fuck, I'm still alive" I'm also mad at the fact that i take crazy pills i feel like an idiot that has to take them just to be "Normal" why can't i just be your average joe???? why can't i be straight and have a family and live the American dream like most? if i could trade my life with someone that has a terminal illness i would in a heartbeat because many they would have more of the desire to live than me!