The second worst form of pain I have ever felt... falling for an older straight man. Who else felt this and how bad was it?

(WARNING)This will not be brief. I'm actually hella pissed. Second post here I guess... Might sound cheesy as hell but this is from the heart and that's what matters...I'l start by saying that I'm closeted ( not the problem here ). Okay...Now let's just say that I have never regretted being gay as much as last sunday at work. I now work as a janitor near an airport. Sweet job. Nice people. It was near the end of last october that a man who got remplaced for a while came back from a very long vacation. I never saw him before. I can tell you that this man...was my fantasy. I cannot kid you less than that...I remember a post about some of people's favorite type of porn. Some said bears, twinks, daddies, chubs, wookies...Well imagine that the guy, whatever the type he was, was now one of the workers working in the same area as you. I shall now take the time and pleasure to describing him.Tall. (I'm almost his height actually). Trimed beard. . . Black army mohawk. Bulging chest (big + for me) Muscled like crazy. Ripped ( this is me repeating myself at this point. I just need to put emphasis on the fact that he is my vision of perection. Mine.) Manly in every type of ways. A slightly trimmed version of Jack Radcliffe Which is perfection in my opinion. Or Hugh Jackman with less veins( holy crap have you people seen the wolverine 2013? The worst part is that he always wares a tight t shirt. No exeptions. The colours are either green, black, blue or white.This guy is there. Obvously older. Way older. Hell, he's been working there for 17 years and he's not doing a kid's job. Now let's say you want to talk to him. Get to know him except you'Re very shy and he's very busy. You find very kind of him that he shows interest in your talent, (drawing in my case). Anyways we talk and there's always that shitty little part of me who just wishes...that he were gay. That little 4% of you. Hoping to the heavens that you could have a chance. But then I realised that this wasn't a godamn fanfic/fantasy. I pitty myself just thinking that I hoped for the chance of a sexual intercourse with the man. Especially because i'm 19 and he looks 40. He, one day, mentions his son. That -0.099% chance was destroyed in seconds. Alright. No biggie.Time went on. I talked to him. Said Hi. Said Bye. Casual. Smiled at him. Laughed with him. One day I had trouble with a barbage bag. It was stuck in the bin. He came to help. While we stugled to get it out, the veins on his arms started to bulge. Okay pretty hot but, dismissed. We got it out and we shrugged it off with a joke. Was pretty funny except...when I though of it, I never actually looked at him straight in the eyes until that moment. I looked at them. Imagine the most physically menacing looking bear, yet with the sweetest, kindest, caring, paddington-esque happy, shiny brown eyes that you have ever seen. I went to my little office at break and held my head in my hands for a good minute...It hurted so bad. I think I fell for him and I don't like it. When I got home, I almost coudn't sleep. I'l finish by saying that his wife is a very lucky woman and I'm happy for her. Almost forgot to mention that he's my second workout motivation next the wolverine.Who else had that sort of experience/feeling? Who relates? How terrible did you feel? I really needed to share this somewhere. I though here was the place. (sorry for the long text ).