Venting after holding it in for so long.

This the first time Ive actually put this out there, To friends or anyone.Im a male bisexual raised in a catholic house. We were very religious, but, in my parents words, "not" homophobic. We said prayers, we said grace, and we always went to church. Naturally from an early age I thought catholicism was central to life. I often would hear my family's comments on homosexuality around the house like "its the sin not the sinner", "don't be a faggot", and my favorite "don't experiment in college,we don't need any of "them" in our family".My brother would hit me in the back of the head if I did anything related to homosexuality(it was a joke to him). Therefore, when i found out in high school that I was attracted to guys I closed up socially. I worried that if I let my true self out that it would show I was flamboyant and I would shame my family. I would often think of my passed grandmother (my favorite person in the world) watching from heaven and being ashamed of my thoughts and my true personality. Many nights I would stay up crying and saying to myself "its just a phase, its just a phase". I only had two friends during high school, but they were friends with the fabricated personality that I made up to hide my true one. I have finally come out to a few friends in college , yet to this day i still can't act the way I want to in front of my friends in fear of getting hit in the back of the head. To this day I can't even get near a guy I would want to be more than friends with without thinking that what i am doing is wrong and be shamed, to this day I worry that my parents will pull me out of my university, the one place that I can be a little happy with myself. It makes me feel like I will never be able to be myself, or to be able to have an actual relationship with a guy. It makes me angry at my entire family. They made me have years of self hate and suicidal thoughts. They made lose years of being who I am, and a normal high school experience. I still cry my self to sleep at nights thinking of letting everyone down and going to hell. Does it make me a bad person for hating them? Is it my fault for not being strong enough to come out and stand up for myself? I still feel like I am weak and worthless for not being strong enough to show my true self.