I don't know who I am - Seeking advice

[Sorry for the long post, but I feel like everything you’re about to read is needed for context. Also, apologises if this offends anyone, I just thought it was necessary to not hold anything back and be 100% truthful.]I grew up with a very homophobic father, which definitely rubbed off on me early on. He never talked about hellfire and damnation when he referred to gay people, just that they were wrong and not to be respected. He even made me promise when I was like 5 that I would never ever turn gay.Needless to say my childish sponge like brain absorbed his bullshit world view like it was my own, and I was quite a homophobic child. Never to the level of ever truly hating gay people or wanting to hurt them, just that it made me really uncomfortable. My dad convinced me that I could turn gay simply by hanging around gay people, he told me their mission was to essentially spread their gayness to straight people.This idea was only further compounded by a certain event in primary school. A class rule was that when it was your birthday you had to bring something in for everyone to share eg. lollies, chocolate etc. (kinda ass-backwards if you ask me, but hey that was the rule). On this particular day this kid – let’s call him Rick (who I found out later in life actually turned out to be gay) – brought in a packet of Freddo Frogs (chocolates for all you non-Aussies). There was still some left over when it was time to go to lunch and he offered a Freddo to any boy that would meet him in the toilet block. I loved Freddos so I was all over that shit. Until I found out he wanted each of us to kiss him on the lips for one. Only one kid did it, but the rest of us left in a hurry quite grossed out. I remember thinking “Dad was right, they really do want to spread their gayness.”I became so paranoid about turning gay I didn’t even want to masturbate when I first learned of it. I thought playing with my own dick seemed really gay and it weirded me out. That was until a mate stayed over one night during the holidays before high school started (a guy I’d grown up with and known my whole life) and started jacking it in the bed above me. I was annoyed at first and told him to stop but he told me I should try it. I’d always looked up to this guy as my cooler older brother (he got all the girls) so I figured if he thought it was okay it must be okay. When I rubbed my dick for the first time my whole world changed. It felt amazing. Why hadn’t I been doing this my whole life – every second of every day? This is what I had been missing out on this whole time. All because of some stupid misplaced hangup.By the time year 7 started I was masturbating multiple times every day. I couldn’t control myself. I felt urges constantly. I even jacked it at school a few times because I’d have fantasies of fucking my teachers and other girls constantly running through my head. When I got home I’d consume all the lesbian and mature porn I could find. I gravitated towards lesbian porn because a mate at school (who was also homophobic) told me that lesbian porn was the best because there were no dicks in it at all, so there was no chance of accidently jacking it to another dude’s cock (he obviously just ignored the giant dildos). It made sense to me. But more to the point, it was super fucking hot. I remember being at his house one time and was feeling really super horny while he showed me his lesbian porn collection. To my utter surprise he asked me if I wanted to jack it. Not in front of him of course, he would go downstairs to the computer in the living room and jack it there, while I would use the study (the room we were currently in). It made it hotter knowing someone was in the house and they knew I was jacking it. It didn’t feel remotely gay, just really really naughty.Why was the other choice mature porn you might be wondering? Well it may be fucked up, but the first woman I ever saw naked in real life was my step mum (which later became a recurring fantasy for me, hence the mature porn). At my dad’s house my bedroom was directly opposite theirs, and my bed was positioned in a way that I could see into their room, but only the small gap in front of their bed. They always shut their door, for privacy reasons, but I always left mine wide open, for PSTD reasons (violent childhood yada yada). But this particular night, for whatever reason, my step mum had left her bedroom door wide open, and by an even stranger coincidence I chose to wake up at the exact moment she was getting undressed, or more accurately, had just gotten undressed. She was butt naked. I’d imagined her naked plenty of times (you can save your judgment) and felt an exhilarating rush that a fantasy had finally become reality. I immediately got hard. I wanted to jack it right then and there but was terrified if I moved or even breathed she would notice I was watching. Shortly after she got into bed, turned out the light, and I tried to go back to sleep.So lesbian and mature porn was my thing, for a long time. For years in fact. Up until I was about 16, when I heard from a different friend that a friend of his had shoved a pen up his butt, and was apparently gay. I gave off the typical reaction, “That’s so fucking weird, why would someone do that?” Until my curiosity got the better of me (it always sparked when I was bored, which happened often) and I shoved a pen up my butt. Not directly at first, just through my clothing. It was in the kitchen, at my dad’s place, while my step mum was downstairs in her room. I pressed the pen against a wooden cupboard, and then leaned against it. It went in a little bit, felt kinda strange, but also kinda good. So I went in deeper, and it felt really good. The whole thing was made even hotter knowing that someone was in the house and I could be caught at any moment. After a few moments I heard my step mum call out to me and I removed the pen in a panic, quickly wiped it down with a tissue, and returned it to the pen jar.From that point on my mind started to really fuck me up. My friend had told me shoving things up your butt automatically made you gay, especially if you enjoyed it. And I had totally enjoyed it. I started convincing myself that I was gay, even though I’d never even thought of being with a guy or found them attractive. I’d always been attracted to girls, always wanted to be with girls. But sticking things up my butt meant I must be gay, right?I became incredibly depressed and even thought about killing myself. There was no way I could be gay, I couldn’t tell my dad – he would kill me. Not to mention my friends, none of them would ever want to speak to me again. This couldn’t be happening. So I blocked it out. I told myself the pen thing was a once off and I wouldn’t do it again. Ever.But making it forbidden and taboo like that just made it hotter. The urges to shove something up my butt wouldn’t go away. My brain kept reminding me how good it felt. I’d even get tingles up my butt when I masturbated, like it was begging me to put something up there. I even started having gay dreams where I’d get fucked, and it felt really good. The guys were always faceless though. I just remember them being walking cocks essentially. That’s all I saw them as.Somehow in all this mess I also started watching shemale porn. It was curiosity at first. I wanted to know what a “chick with a dick” sounded like when they orgasm. But after watching a couple of videos, I found myself really turned on. I was attracted to these girls because they looked really feminine (some actually looked prettier than most girls), and even more so because they had giant throbbing cocks. But every time I jacked it to one of these videos I felt really guilty, not in a naughty way, in a “I really shouldn’t be doing this” way. It just felt wrong.This feeling only got worse once I started shoving things up my butt again. After seeing guys getting pounded by she-dick I wanted the same. But I didn’t want to use a pen, I needed something bigger. After scouring my room for a few minutes I eventually found something that could work – a foot long wooden juggling stick. I didn’t have any lube (I was a total noob) so I took a handful of tissues and wrapped them round the top. I then balanced the stick on the floor and while holding the base gently sat on top of it until it gently slid into me. Then I’d flick on some shemale porn and bob up and down while I jack it.The first time I came this way was un-fucking-believable. It was the most intense orgasm I’d ever experienced up until that point. My entire fucking mind and body just completely shut down, I felt bliss all over, and my cock spurted – what seemed to be – a never-ending stream of cum. In short: it felt fucking incredible.Needless to say this opened up a Pandora’s Box of sexual exploration and confusion. I’d go through periods where I’d convince myself that I was straight and just had a fascination with butt play, and would solely jack off to straight porn. But I could never get as hard again, at least, not as frequently. If I hadn’t jacked it in awhile, and I was super horny, I’d always be rock hard no matter what. But the times I’d cave to my darker urges and click on to shemale porn, I’d get hard just thinking about it, and I mean super hard. There was no effort involved whatsoever. But no matter what, when I was done, I’d always feel guilty and ashamed.Fast forward to the first time a girl agreed to sleep with me. I couldn’t get it up. This paved the way for a series of repeated bouts of paranoia that I was gay and that I could no longer get hard for girls. Of course this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every girl that agreed to sleep with me, I could get hard while we were making out or she was blowing me, but when it came time to actually do the deed I would inevitably always start going soft. And then I would freak out thinking “Oh shit it’s happening again.” Every time. Out of the 6 girls I’ve slept with (I’m 28 now) I’ve only been able to stay hard for one of them. This has only further fucked me up, and helped my brain convince me that I’m gay. I even purposefully avoided relationships and seeking out sexual partners all during my mid 20s, pretty much just closed myself off from the world, because I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted (still don’t) and didn’t think it was fair to drag someone else into that uncertainty. I’d already hurt enough people because of that. So all I did was stay at home and dive further into my sexual fantasies. Eventually, through a combination of boredom and curiosity, I decided to check out gay porn. I felt like it was the last taboo for me to break. I’d gone through lesbian porn, mature porn, shemale porn, incest porn, and I was now bored with all of it. I needed something fresh, something that felt wrong again. And just like I expected it worked like a charm. Just thinking about jacking off to gay porn got me super hard. I’d also ditched the stick and discovered the wonders of vegetables and fruit. At first carrots (but they were too small and pointy), and eventually bananas. I’d find a decent sized sucker, not too bendy (I wanted to go deep), would wrap a condom around it, lube it up, then lube up my butt, and go to town while I imagined being fucked. I also started fantasising about sucking cock, and started practicing on the bananas (not after). Even though it felt amazing, it still didn’t feel enough. After awhile I wanted to try the real thing.My ultimate fantasy was to get fucked by a pre-op transgender, but it seemed the only way to meet them was to pay. I couldn’t afford that kind of cash for sex, not to mention all the ones local to me weren’t really my type. So I never followed up on that idea. Although it still pops into my head from time to time. Maybe one day when I have a bunch of money spare I’ll just dive in and do it, who knows?When I was over at a mate’s place one day he told me about craigslist, and how he had met plenty of girls who were down for NSA sex. He was a pretty good looking guy, and I’ve always considered myself average at best, so I didn’t really like my chances. But I still checked it out regardless. Most of the posts seemed completely fake – the titles reminding me of bad email spam - and the few that appeared real seemed quite demanding and always requested very attractive partners, of which I did not consider myself one. So I ditched that idea. But I did notice that there was a section for males meeting males.Ignoring the thought of checking it out, I decided to make a profile on RSVP out of desperation. I knew the only way a guy like me was going to get laid was by being in a relationship, it was the only way it had worked in the past. I knew I was still fucked up and didn’t have my shit together but at this point I didn’t care, my loneliness and depression was killing me, and I needed to know if this floppy dick streak was just a run of bad luck or if it meant something more. Buuuuuut that didn’t work out. Literally every single girl (probably 100 in total) flat out rejected me. I felt even shittier than I felt before. How/why was this happening? I’d always had girls interested in me growing up. When did I reach this point of being completely and utterly unattractive? I felt miserable.So one night I was super drunk and high (as I was most nights) and feeling really sad and horny (like most nights), and decided to reply to a few of the MFM ads on craigslist (of which there was an astonishingly much higher number than the WFM section) just to see what would happen. To my surprise every single person I contacted replied to me, within minutes. Suddenly this half-cocked fantasy became very real, and I became very hard. I felt wanted. Just the thought of having a stranger come over and fuck me had my whole body shaking. I replied back but unfortunately they were all in the same situation as me (had been drinking and couldn’t travel) so nothing ended up working out. But just knowing how easy and simple gay sex was to obtain sent my mind racing through a world of possibilities.This was a week ago. And ever since that night occurred I have jacked it to gay porn several times a day (haven't even looked at straight porn). Even as I write this now I am getting hard just thinking about sucking dick and getting fucked. But here’s the odd thing. I have no desire to kiss any guys. I mean, I’m open to the idea, but it’s not like I out right desire it if that makes sense. Also, these thoughts seem to be entirely contained to my room. When I’m out in public my eyes automatically focus on females, I never find myself accidently checking out a guy. And I still don’t look at guys in public and go “Ooo, I’d really like to be with him.” I know, I’m completely fucked in the head. I’ve felt like this ever since I first shoved that pen up my butt.I really have no idea what to do, or who I am. I don’t know if I’m a sex addict and have just numbed myself after watching so much porn all these years that gay thoughts and fantasies are the only thing that do it for me anymore, or if I’m legitimately gay/bi/whatever. I know no one but me at the end of the day can know for sure what I am or what I like, but I was just hoping for any kind of insight that anyone can provide, as I am feeling really fucking scared and confused, and have been for a long time.P.S. Thanks for sticking through that monster, you’re a trooper if you managed to read the whole thing.