Feeling alienated amongst other gay people

I don’t even know where to start. I guess that may be the part of the problem.I’m a 21 y.o from a semi-orthodox eastern EU country. I’m gay since forever, elementary school probably, if you count eyeing friends in the locer rooms. Divorced parents, good material status, closeted on the outside, apart from friends and people I know I can convey that secret upon (mostly other fags), don’t know what else could I bring up.It’s been like that since forever. My whole adolescence/puberty has been marked with the overwhelming feeling of inferiority to other gay people. I feel like a complete alien. I always thought this was obviously connected to me being the little overweight boy, but since I recently lost weight to the point that, with appropriate clothing, I can pass as fuckable and I’m getting thiner by the day due to my diet, I’m worried at the apparent lack of improvement whatsoever.I just feel like I got the “bad” parts of being a queer without the benefits that follow. I’ve never been the good-dressed one, my taste is mediocre and weird due to how I’m really not that close to the pop-culture. Years went by and I watched these other, cheerful, bright gay kids I secretly envied develop into beautiful adults, full of life and energy. In the meantime, I struggled with trying not to give in to despair and to find the reason for why things were the way they were. I remained forever as the guy who is “witty, intelligent even, but also not really the anyone’s type”.I found no answer. I just saw many wonderful pairs of young people, who were neither boring (which I thought was a prerequisite to finding a partner) nor ugly (which would give them “stability out of lack of choice”) and, most of whom last for years already (which takes away the feeling moral superiority over promiscuous gay people). I can’t keep on forever making excuses as to why they can and I can’t, other than feeling I lack something. Maybe the looks, maybe the “cool” factor, perhaps both.I’ve had my fair share of sexual adventures; it’s not like I’m ugly as hell, I just loose to those blessed with the twink-type bodies. In the recent year, even after the weight program startet taking its toll on my precious fatty tissue, I ceased any type of intercourse, kinky or not (like any a looser out there I’m kinky as fuck). I just can’t stand being taken “as an exception”, under drugs or by someone with a dry spell, or in a club. While I’d of course like to let my twisted imagination run amok in the reality, I don’t feel like I have something valid to offer.Despite what it may look like, the post is not really meant to be a rant, since self-pity is pathetic and leads to nowhere, and so does the pity of stragners. However, perhaps, someone’s insight, a story, a piece of advice, a figment of knowledge may tell me what to do, how to change, outside of the ever important looks (have abs or die; I giggle whenever I hear about “unfair standards for women looks”). I just see so many gay people living a life I’m incapable of living. It feels extremely frustrating to feel repulsive and at the same time not really knowing the reasons.Disclaimer: 1. Not a native, sori for me englado 2. Yes, I tried both the antidepressants (no real change, which is unsurprising since my depression, if such exists, is clearly not of endogenic nature.) and therapy, thrice, which didn’t really solve a thing either. 3. In advance, I’d like to reply to the “looks don’t matter, it’s the inside that counts”, “you’ll find someone I swear” etc. – sorry if that makes anyone offended, but that’s just fairy tales. Things change because something about them was done or happened; no amount of feel-better bs will make it otherwise. And, looks DO matter, greatly so, especially when talking about the age group of 18-29 horny young males. Anyone who disagrees is, with a high probability, trying to protect his/her ego from the painful truth, and that just won’t do.