The big ask.

My first real relationship was with a boy my age. That is going back a long time.For reasons that may have been right, or may not have been I have lived a straight life until the ripe old age of 43. I now know that the brain tumours I have been resisting are going to win.To get to the point, I want a boyfriend. The weight that I have a terminal illness would apply in any relationship in the spectrum of human attraction.For some reason, that I cannot put my finger on, it seems like a big ask to meet a man and say, now that I know my expiry date would you mind if we ignored that I have been faking it for a lifetime?Additionally, I would not even know where to start to meet a man. Grindr type quick flings are not what I am looking for and I live in a very conservative place, not that I am ashamed of what I am - just people do not come out here.I am confused. I feel it would be less selfish of me to have a Grindr type hook up, but deep down, it is not what I desire.I would value you thoughts very much.