Kind of need help right now...😁😁

Right people lets start I'm a rather happy,genuin and fairly decent asian gay. However I went out with me friend this weekend to a gay club. We did a sober night out cause we were too hungover from the night before (thinking it was going to be fun....oh boy was I wrong). Lets carry on, we went to a gay club it was fun at first then me being sober start to notice how amazing all of the guys in there look like wow....and then my confident level drop like seriously dropped. Through out my childhood I was the "ugly asian kid", lets look at a wonderful memory of mine. Kids would make fun of me and when they see me they would run screaming to highlight the fact that I was so UGLY (I know right assholes). As I have grown older my confident level rises. Some days I feel I could defeat the world and I make something of myself and have the dream of a happy family with lots of wondeful children (always wanted to adopt Lol).Sure I have never been in a relationship before ever but have been kissed, never had intercourse. The fact that I tried to date and get rejected constantly didn't stop me lol there must be someone. But that time going out looking around me with such perfection, and me and ugly, nerdy, hideous asian person. That is when all of my feeling that I had supressed for so long came rushing out. Now my life is a living mess I can see how hideous I'm the confident is no longer there I can't hide behind the play I put on (I'm always smilling it is the best mask, my loniless and pain is gone) my friends don't know the real me. I can't go on living behind a mask, hiding the pain smilling like everything is perfect. The thought of suicide came into existence again, just that one night out bring me back to reality. So basically what I'm asking is for help any advice as how to cope with this. My story doesn't seem that serious I know but I always tried to make the best of everything because what is the point of living if you are miserable. My tone isn't excatly of a suicidal monsteousity of a gay specimen but it is effecting my life and I'm confuse. Constantly crying and wanting to claw off my face (a dark thought for your entertainment) but at the same time I feel like I'm loosing hope of ever achieving my happiness. Am I really destine to be lonely and ultimately dying alone? Isn't life meant to be lived? Are gays so superficial that they would judge by appearance? (Never been given a chance to even say how are you they saw my photo then wam, it is an instant block). Sorry for the rant any advice will be appreciated love you all BBBBBBBYYYEEEEEE