Why keep trying?

My first two semesters of college were great. Met my best friend who got me through some really tough times. Then the school decided they would kick him out, because effort just isn't enough for some people I guess. Life is a stupid fucking competition. If someone gets to go to school, someone else doesn't. There are only so many jobs and we all have to compete for them. The people who are successful are people who look out mainly for themselves. And if you're not successful you're a failure. There's no acceptable option for the people who don't want to compete anymore. You get beaten down by life's bullshit until you're completely numb and then your options are live miserably or kill yourself. I don't even have it the worst. I live in a fucking first world country and there's more suffering out there than I can even comprehend.

I'm so sick and tired of everything. Nothing brings me joy anymore because I can correctly assume that something will happen to fucking ruin it. SSRIs, SNRIs, whatever. Sure, it's me that needs to change. Not the society that's shown me why there's no point in continuing.

People like to blame women for not being able to get a date but honestly I doubt I could if I were gay either. I haven't been on one single date my entire life. The only people who understand me are others who are in the same boat, that long for romance and intimacy but fear rejection or have experienced it so many times that they have grown sick of it. Those without issues getting into relationships will say "it's not the end of the world, it's not a big deal, it's only depersonalization, nothing wrong with not feeling normal or human, you'll be okay." or "your time will come, it's only happened to me seventeen times and you zero, but trust me, it'll happen, you'll find your special someone!"

Failed school. Can't wait to go back to a tiny town that I hate where I'm even less likely to find a girlfriend than here and leave all my friends behind. Fuck you to all the professors who have already made it out in the real world and gotten paid, but have no problem giving me a hard time despite my mental illnesses. Fuck you and good riddance.

Thanks for reading even if you think I sound like a whiny shit. Gonna go die now.