Day 92

(free association/journal)

Been two weeks since last posting on here. Had a very depressing flatline for maybe 10 of those days. It felt like being cast adrift in a boat in the ocean and getting ravaged emotionally by the storms day in and day out. Didn't get out of bed or leave my room at least a day or two. Didn't go to the gym for two weeks. Didn't eat food for a day.

Flashbacks kept occuring, memories locked away that contained conflict or subtle 'sliding doors' style life altering choices. Girls I hadn't pursued. Girls I couldn't get it up for. First time encountering nakedness. Weird sex dreams. The amount of sneaking and voyeuring i did unknowingly as a kid.

How much is it possible to escape the mental image of yourself one has built up till now?

Cannot remember the last porn I watched. Every few days a thought will come up unprovoked, like a nostalgic childhood mememory, of porn of before starting this. Like the first time you went on a rollercoaster, 'Oh i remember that, that was fun wasn't it?'. Porn is something I used to watch. It was something fun to have indulged in at the time but the side effects are too intense.

Been chasing dopamine binges. Videogames. Internet. Reddit. TV shows. If step one is to give up porn, step two is to curb and manage the rest.

I feel older. Like passing through some door from childhood to adulthood and seeing things in all kinds of different ways. That people all have different desires and goals and outcomes and dreams and habits. That I am the guardian of my own fate and destiny. That everyone else is waiting for me to get my life on track and kick things off.

I was majorly depressed for most of the past few years. Porn use, with its associated late night sleep deprivation due to late night access, was a major contributing factor.

I have previously contemplated if I was gay, definetely had some HOCD. I know I am not. Stopping porn, these thoughts disappeared completely after 40 or so days.

I was standoffish and surface level to new people unless I was trying to drunkenly seduce them. I was emotionally investing hard into people without actually doing it. I'd actually regret not being able to have sex with someone, not because i'd somehow messed up a conversation, but because they were boring or not attractive enough.

My emotions have been leaking out of a deeply locked up and deprived chamber. Crying in films. Angry in car rides and sports teams. Awwing at cute puppies. Feeling real love for my siblings. Jealousy/envy at others outstanding achievements. Admiration for hard work and sacrifice. Satisfaction for doing a good job or getting things done. Immense enjoyment for completing goals or finishing work for the week.

Where did these feelings go? Were they all cut off in a pursuit of staring at a screen faking being a real person?

How many people have never lived a digital life in a digital world? How many people have never experienced a disassociation from their own perception of self?

Virtual reality scares me. It scares me that the worlds I have been escaping into for the past 20 years will become a mainstream, sensationally deprivating, touch depriving matrix.

Is there going to be a point in the future where people don't have relationships with other people anymore?

I'm scared of my own sexual intent. Looking back over all the times i've gone home with girls, or picked up in nightclubs by doing stupid things, seems like an age ago. I haven't had sex in nearly three years, but I've not gone a date in ten.

I feel guilty because i want to be touched and held and feel some kind of contact more then I want sex. Been thinking of going to get some massages just to feel human to human contact. Sex seems secondary to this connection.

The challenege was pretty easy the first six weeks. It was only after a month or two that i started experiencing flatlines and withdrawls. It was on in the last four weeks I felt intensley negative about the entire experience because of the way it was impacting how I felt....or maybe that I was unused to all the feelings? Flatlining has been fucking terrible, mainly because I have no coping mechanism for it apart from not going into work and was avoiding that it was even happening to me. Feels better getting over it.

I've had maybe 7 or 8 days where I jerked it. Once or twice 4 or 5 times in a day. Felt weak, like playing an intense game or running for a long time for the next day or two, very subdued and slightly melancholic. The slower times just exploring my body where energising and uplifting. The wham bam, shower and over in a minute or two was frustration relief.

Had 5 or 6 wet dreams. Had some weird sex dreams about close family members, old teachers, childhood friends, random strangers. Perhaps decoupling or confusing sexual chemistry for close intimacy?

I feel different about myself. Self esteem has improved immensely. The feeling of looking in the mirror at ones own reflection now gives me feelings of warmth and recognition and acceptance and acknowledgement. Previously there was shame, judging why I haven't done more, flashbacks to past not taking chances and options.

Seemingly forgiven myself and let everything that has occurred up until today melt away from who I perceive myself as being. I feel mature, level headed, anchored somehow. I don't care about people looking at me. I don't care that I don't get along with certain others. I don't care if people like me or not.

And its kinda liberating. I'm feeling like i used to feel 10-15 years ago. That I could do whatever I wanted if I could figure out how to do it. Being curious about how people became who they were and their story. Knowing how to weave through conversation topics and jokes and banter.

I don't know where I go from here. I don't know if i've cured PIED. I don't know if there will be more flashbacks and flatlines. I don't know.

But I get to choose.

And I choose to continue down this path. I choose to continue feeling happiness, and uncertainty, and emotions, and being connected with myself, and seeking something else.

Fucking crying.

I love this shit.