In the hospital for depression - I have a wonderful boyfriend. Now I know... I am depressed because I haven't been myself. I am a lesbian.

Currently I am in the hospital for depression. I realize now that I am gay. I have questioned it my whole life but being in the hospital has helped me realize why I am so unhappy in my new city with my wonderful boyfriend and everything I need. It is because I have been putting up a front and I am not being myself. The true me.. is a lesbian. And it scares the shit out of me.

What am I most afraid of?

-not being accepted -being alone -not accepting my self -disease (because there doesnt seem to be good protection between female partners that i am aware of) -people who hate gay people (my dad for example tho i dont talk to him anyway) -women.

I am afraid of women. I have avoided female relationships since I left highschool. Now I know why to an extent. It is because .. I am afraid of having sexually confused feelings.

If I don't come out as gay and never accept myself - I am afraid of:

-Not being able to have female friends.. cuz I want genuine relationships! and I am not genuinly being my self. -not having real love -not accepting my self -having impulses and curiosities I cant explore and forever being tormented by them and feeling guilty about them. - not being the woman I want to be to a woman. I want to tell her how beautiful she is, make her feel safe, bring her flowers, make her blush, hold her hand, touch her hair. So I know this isn't some perversion. I want to hold her head in my hands and kiss her.

I have the most amazing wonderful boyfriend who I love and live with. I don't know what to do next. I don't really have anywhere to go because I am living with him when I get out of the hospital and he has been so supportive and wonderful. He wants me to be his life partner. He told me he loved me and I love him so much! But there are many kinds of love.. and I can't be the woman he wants me to be. I can't marry him .. and have kids with him.. and be the housewife he wants. That isn't me. He wants a white picket fence and a real family.. I can't honestly give that to him being what I am. When I am with him I feel I am being who he wants me to be. I see that now. It isn't fair to him. It isn't fair to me.

This is hard.