Long winded post warning. Idk about how posts like this are welcome in this sub, but I really have no one to talk to about this so any help would be appreciated. Really, I think more than anything I just want this off my chest.
When I was younger my first sexual encounter was with another guy, it started when we were around 12 or so and lasted until we were 15. He was the same age, and generally or at least at first he was the one initiating. That said everything was totally consensual even if he was a little pushy, and regardless of age I don't want this to turn into "yada yada you were raped". I don't like the implications it's had on my life, but it was far from rape. We never quite got fully to having anal sex, though we tried a few times, but we did other things. We both said and thought at the time that we weren't gay, and eventually we stopped hooking up and remained friends. I used to think about it, and still somewhat, that we were hooking up because we became sexually active before the girls our age did... so hooking up with another guy was the only option, if that makes any sense at all. It was one of those things where it was talked about less and less between us until the point where now it almost seems like it never happened, and bringing it up would be totally taboo. He's married to a chick now, we don't talk a whole lot anymore other than an occasional facebook message asking how the other is doing, but as far as I know he identifies as totally straight.
Flash forward to now, I'm in college about to graduate. I've had 50-60 women as sexual partners. I'm no supermodel, but I do pretty well with the ladies and can usually get some very attractive women.
I look at women all the time, like I'm sure most straight guys do, lust for them like crazy. When I'm single my sex appetite for women seems insatiable. But then, when I'm in a relationship I get bored with the sex within a month. I sometimes even have trouble keeping it up during sex, mostly when I've had sex or masturbated already that day but still. This has lead to me, and I'm not proud of this, being somewhat of a compulsive cheater in my relationships. I try not to cheat, but I just can't get satisfied, so I often leave 9 or 10/10 looking girls to hook up with 6/10 girls that are trying to get me to have sex.
On top of all that, I watch a lot of transexual porn. This has gotten me the most confused. I'm not sure when or how it started, but it started with me being attracted to very feminine transexuals with small dicks and the guy doing the penetrating. Then it morphed into me getting off to transexual women with large dicks doing the penetrating. Then it morphed into watching crossdressers, especially crossdressers topping men.
Then just recently I started watching bisexual porn. Two guys one girl threesomes. Straight porn has really been boring to me for some time, I can't even really get off to it unless I really try.
My mind is completely torn right now, and I don't know what's going on with me. Part of me thinks I'm completely heterosexual, and all those weird things I'm into are because of my early sexual encounter coupled with a porn addiction that's totally whacked out my sexuality. Another part of me, the majority of me, tells me I'm bi. I like dicks, the idea of sucking them, the idea of getting fucked by one, but I also like women still. Another part of me, the minority, tells me I'm just totally gay and in denial and the whole reason I get bored with chicks so quickly and easily is because they're not what I really want.
I guess the weird thing is I never see a guy on the street and think "damn, I bet he has a nice dick and I'd love to suck it", but when I'm watching porn that's totally a thought that might cross my mind. I certainly never go "damn that guy has nice biceps and abs". And when I see a chick in yoga pants on campus I still get half-hard sometimes just looking at, drooling like a dog like any other completely-hetero guy.
I also am really not attracted to anything about men other than dicks and the thought of a dick penetrating me (orally or anally). Men kissing disgusts me (no offense, just mean sexual turn off). Men with manly bodies in porn is a turn off. Beards, muscles, deep voices, all turn offs. But a big dick? Yeah that turns me on.
I'm totally in favor of gay rights, my parents while they'd be weird about it at first I'm sure would be supportive, and same thing with most of my friends (at least the ones that matter). So that confuses me too, because I don't really have a reason to be "in the closet" if I was totally gay or bi, but I still can't accept that part of me. It doesn't seem like it's me and it seems like I'm fighting it.
Anyone have any advice? Do I hook up with a guy and see what it's like? I've really thought about having a threesome with a bi couple but that's not exactly the easiest thing to find, craigslist has opportunities but mostly with gross meth-heads over 40 lol. I don't want to not explore that part of me now and regret it, but I also don't want to do something because I'm fucked up in the head over childhood weird occurances and regret it later either.
any help/comments appreciated really, thanks guys. I post/comment here on occasion and have a regular reddit account, but this is a throwaway obviously.
tl;dr: Had sex encounter with guy when younger. Now have sex with women, but watch gay/bi/transexual porn. What do?
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