I'll try not to make this too long.
My dad and I have always had an uneasy relationship. When I was young he was like a mountain, powerful but distant. He worked all the time, he never spent time with friends or had any kind of social life (and I found later he wouldn't let my mom have one either). Kid-me refers him as funny but someone you never want to piss off. He rarely punished me but if he did it was by spanking, sometimes with a leather belt. So for him I felt both love and fear, I wanted him to be proud of me, I never wanted to disappoint him.
When I was about 7-8 I became diagnosed with depression. Looking back I can see lots of reasons why I hated myself so much. For my father's part he would criticize me constantly, telling me I was getting pudgy, not allowing me to play with the boys (there were only boys in my neighborhood, girls were either teens or infants). I remember being told I wasn't allowed to do certain things because I was a girl, like shoot guns or wear clothes that were not girly. I internalized that I was weak, and alone. I self isolated (compounding my own problems) and believed I was weird, stupid, abnormal. I had problems making friends, I didn't know how to relate to people. Only thing I could do to make myself less miserable was eat and watch tv. This set me on the path to obesity in my teens. Oh, my parents did try to help, they took me to exercise classes and paid a doctor to put me on a liquid diet for a month. Nothing worked. I found therapy to be bullshit.
I started to gain control slowly. My parents separated in high school and while my dad did visit my life was a lot easier with out him watching me all the time. He was very controlling and critical of me, probably because he had a daughter from a previous marriage who was out of control at that age (she's 17 years older, we have never met in person). Things got better still when I went to college. I had begun making friends, and started to investigate the world I ways I was never allowed to at home. My dad is uber Christian and conservative. I had problems with church belief as a teenager (that whole women are lesser than men bullshit bothered me). I have always loved science and learning about philosophy & reading poetry. It took me a few years but I left Christianity for good, because I can't believe in an angry sky God who wants to punish us for not behaving like he wanted. I started hanging with alternative folk, gays and pagans and artists. The stuff I found and loved and the folks I came to know has helped me become who I am today, and most of it is shit my dad does not approve of. So I basically stopped sharing my life with him. I put him on a need-to-know basis, and most he didn't need to know. I didn't tell him about my evolving spirituality or guys I dated (unless I was very serious), I didn't ca that much.
It's come to the point now where I can only take him in small doses. I'm visiting him now in Florida. He's 85 now, and is preparing to die (even though he's still doing ok). He's calling all the shots, and it hasn't been easy to find stuff we can both do together. I've watched a lot of Fox News and Christian preacher stations, endured his snide comments about Obama and democrats in general (he knows I'm liberal and had called Obama 'my best friend' even though I don't approve of everything he had done). He's tried to get me to discus religion and evolution with him, something I refuse to do because I don't like to argue about things like that. He's not going to change his mind and I certainly won't change mine. He's been telling me what to wear (I wear neutrals, he wants me wearing pink). As soon as I got off the plane he took me to an expensive clothing store and told the sales lady to pick out clothes for me (I told her no thanks, and picked a lime green shirt as s compromise). Also he'd been trying to overfeed me. I tell him I'm trying to watch what I eat but he keeps making huge portions for me and taking me out to eat and offering me desert, then telling me not to overwork myself while exercising (I have lost 65 pounds over the last few years and have started strength training & running, btw he said he didn't notice). He tells me I am emotional and weak because I have been abused all my life (I have not, at least no more than and body else).
A thing to know about this rant is I know he's no where as sharp as he used to be. He insists on driving, and has nearly hit people and cut people off. He's also gone the wrong way down a one way street and gotten lost at least once (hard to tell because I'm not familiar with the area). So I know I shouldn't take what he says seriously.
I have been dreading this trip, I have been here for four days and we fly back late tomorrow (he's flying back with me because he has business in my town, plus my brother also lives there). I don't have access to a car, so I can't get out very far on my own. I feel bad because I wish I could have a relationship with him where he could see me as a person. To him I'm his daughter, I must obey him (even now that I'm in my 40s) and be dutiful and submissive. There's no give and take, no joking, no exchange of ideas. For the last hour I've been sitting by the pool, just to be alone because I am just done. I want to have control over my life again.
Much of this experience has opened up a small crack into how I became who I am. I don't think my dad is a bad person, he is very honorable and always tries to do what is right. I just don't know how to talk to him. He's 85 now, this may be the last long trip I spend with him. I just want it to be over but I feel bad for feeling like that, I feel bad for dreading this trip in the first place. He is who he is, he had no interest in changing and will not apologize (not that I want him to). I just wish we could have a friendship. He told me today while I was texting that friends are 'nice hobbies'. I have friends that are like family, but those are relationships he has never known I think.
I don't think there are any conclusions to come to. I just feel bad about all of this.
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