Not now, but in a few months, as soon as I'm done with my conscription in 4 months, I'll either search for the tallest building in my city or look for the resources to make an exit bag. For now, I have to struggle to keep myself from shooting myself during my watch. No we don't go to war, we don't kill people, it's not really an army, it's just a waste of time. A small pitiful excuse for an army, we just sleep and wake and eat and nap all day. But that's not the reason I want to end it obviously. I'm gay, or rather something much more complicated (I don't really feel like a man, sometimes, some other times, I do). My whole life I've been alone. I'm 19. As long as I remember I had no friends. I wasted all of my childhood in front of the television watching cartoons and my teenage years on the computer. No, not because I was addicted to them, but simply because I had no friends. I remember almost NOTHING from my childhood. I can't make friends, I never had any one to play with except my older brother and if he sometimes took me with him to his friends that was all the friendship I got to experience as a child. I didn't want to waste all my time on the tv and the PC, I found them very dull and tedious, but I had no other options. As long as I can remember I had fits of crying, about my loneliness, about my life although they were very sparse. But during these last few months it's gotten worse. I can't talk to anyone about it, they'd think I want attention, they'd think I'm pathetic and weak. I don't want them think that. I hate them, but I hate my self more than I hate them. I understand them. I'm the most dull and boring person I know, I wouldn't want to be friends with me if I were them either. If truth be told I did manage to make -some- friends at the age of 16, although we rarely meet any more, and even though they used to send me messages to see whether I was available or not, and once I stopped sending them messages myself, they never looked for me again, perhaps only twice or thrice.....I started sending sending them messages again myself, because I realised that they won't look for me if I don't, and we met again after 3 months a few days ago. But I don't think that that's a problem with me, we just don't have that strong of a connection, all of us.... I never fell in love, I did have a sort of excitement for someone, but as soon as that person was out of my life, whatever I felt was gone. I'm empty, the only thing I can feel is frustration at my emptiness. I used to be desperately sad at my loneliness, now I just don't care, and this makes me feel worse, because I can't feel any more. I am empty. I don't really want anything out of life. I used to want to write a book....I don't any more. I find that boring, I find everything boring. I've lived what I've lived, I know that it's going to get worse from now on and nothing anyone says is going to change that. I just hope your words will keep me alive at least untill the end of these 4 months that I've left of my 2 years conscription. I know that everything is going to get worse from now on for me because everyone hates gay people. The only people that cared about me were my parents (I'm not so sure about my dad, but certainly my mother, and perhaps my brother). But if they ever found out about me they'd hate me. I'm sure about that. I can't form any sort of relationship with people, so as soon as they find out, I'll be alone, might be my brother will support me , but his stance towards me will certainly change. And he's got his girlfriend now, he'll marry at some point and have children and live a wonderful life and I'm very happy about that. My only regret is that, by killing myself I'll make these 3 people sad....but really it'll pass, they'll go on with their lives. They have more than one feeling. I don't. If I go on living I will be hated by everyone for what I am and I do care about what others believe of me and nothing will ever change that EVER. I love people if truth be told. I love people very much, it's they who hate me though. But this isn't about being gay -or whatever I might be-. This is about me KNOWING that there is nothing more to be gotten out of life. Everything's fake, nothing's real. I'm already dead, I've been dead for some time now. I just need to let go. The prospect of killing myself actually makes me happy. Now I just need to dicide the when and how. I've finally found what I really want to do. The only thing that interests me. There is nothing else in the world I want more that this!No, there is nothing else in the world I want! Yes! Yes! This is it! This is my "dream", my "goal" my one true wish! I want to die!
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