(Ventpost) I missed the chance of a lifetime because I'm not pretty enough

Today I saw an ex of mine who I'd only originally been with for less than a week- we broke up because he had to move to college. He was the first boy I'd ever been with- I had a crush on him for 4 whole years, since I was 14- he was even the first boy I'd ever had a crush on too. I tried so hard to repress my sexuality, but everything broke down at the end of our senior year of high school, when he gave me his number. I knew he'd been repressing his too- I hate how mean it sounds, but tbh, it was pretty obvious in his case. We met at his house, went to his room, and I told him what I wanted- he was really nervous at first; he'd never been with a boy before, even though he admitted to me he was gay too, but eventually we settled down with each other, and things happened. It was really obvious a lot of it was us releasing pressure from having repressed ourselves for so long- everything moved very fast, and it got to be really intense. But at the same time, there was definitely something more between us- it was very romantic and loving, our eyes locked, and every move made very gently. And after the fact, he said he definitely wanted to see me more often. After the fact, he said he felt very guilty about doing it, because he knew he'd have to leave for college, and that I had real feelings for him. We lost contact for awhile after that.Now it's two years later- I just moved back after having lived in another state for awhile. I was really depressed since I just went through a bad breakup with a different boy a few months before, but suddenly I learned something from a friend- that my old ex had dropped out of college and was back in town, single, and actively seeking people. I got really excited then- I asked my friend to get his number, and finally, me and my ex got in contact just this morning. He was really excited for us to see each other again, and we arranged for lunch.We met, and the first thing I noticed straight from the start was how much prettier he was- not that he hadn't always been cute, it was just obvious he'd put a lot of thought into it, and he looked amazing. We talked for a little, but it was obvious we were both nervous- we both knew what I wanted to talk about. We did, but he said he didn't feel the same right now, although he wanted to see me more often. Ny impression was, maybe he just wanted to get to know me better- even in school, we didn't talk a ton, and I thought that could mean he wanted something more serious and long-term, like I always wanted.But as we kept talking, my hopes were dashed- he talked openly about how in college, he hooked up with a number of guys, and came off as pretty sex-positive. Maybe he hadn't lost his eagerness for physical relationships like we'd had that night- but evidently he didn't have interest in me anymore. The rest of the date went just fine; we had a good time catching up, then he drove me home, and we said we'd arrange something else soon- we texted a few more times tonight, and probably will more tomorrow.But I can't pretend I'm not disappointed, and the more I think about it, the worse it is. For awhile, especially when I was with my last boyfriend, I actually think I looked pretty good. But since then and through all the depression, I lost all that and just look unpleasant. I don't blame him at all, I really can't imagine anyone liking me the way I am, and I realize all I probably did was embarrass myself in front of him; in college, he probably was able to meet boys who would make me look like trash- I don't know why I ever thought he'd want to go back to the guy he probably went to out of desperation.So, here I am, unreasonably upset and posting yet another self-loathing walltext for my own public humiliation, because I chase boys far out of my league. I really am sorry guys, I hate being this way.