So many intense feelings; I need a moment to vent.

Hi. I haven't posted here before, but I'm just incredibly confused about what I am and where to go with my life, so I hope you don't mind me being here and just venting my feelings. TL;DR will be at the bottom.Lately I've been feeling intensely gay. This all sort of awakened in me back in December after I read a comic about two boys falling in love. The comic showed me a different, more sensitive side to being gay that I never really knew existed. It also made me feel like it's okay to be a feminine, softer man; Something I've been ridiculed for my entire life. Now I frequently read gay comics and yaoi not because I happen to enjoy it, but because it helps me cope and I can sort of live vicariously through it.I'm just so confused, though. Growing up, I always thought I was incredibly straight and fiercely attracted to women. I remember fantasizing about having sex with girls and being repulsed by guys. However, looking back, there are all these signs that maybe I wasn't so straight after all; I was incredibly awkward whenever it came to anything romantic; I rarely ever had a girlfriend and the one time I did I couldn't even hold her hand unless I was prompted to; I hate objectifying women, unlike nearly all the men in my life do; I loved being around girls as a friend, and got along better with women than I did with most men; I secretly fantasized a lot about being "the girl" both sexually and romantically; And I've always been attracted more to masculine, taller women than any other type. I know none of this means "gay", but alongside everything else I'm feeling I just feel like it's more evidence I could be.Not only that, I've been in a relationship with this amazingly awesome, supportive, perfect girl for four years now, but nearly the entire time we've been together it's been difficult for me to initiate anything sexually with her. I get anxious and kind of scared whenever we try to have sex, and I have to sort of force myself into it until I hit a rhythm where I start having fun, but then afterwards I kind of feel gross about myself. I always thought it was just body image issues, but now I'm not so sure. Vaginas don't excite me like they do most of my straight friends, and I don't really have that much fun with them either. They're just kind of "there", if that makes any sense. But dicks just seem like so much fun. Yeah, they're messy, and I hate being messy, but I don't know. I just have this weird, raw desire for them, I guess.I just feel so ashamed of myself. Growing up, I was relentlessly called "gay" by nearly everybody, including close friends. Both parents thought I was gay at one point or another, and tried doing that whole forced "If you're gay, I'll still love you" thing, which only made me feel even more hurt and embarrassed somehow. I never got to explore myself as a kid, nor did I ever think I needed to. But now, here I am, in my mid-20s, having a quarter-life crisis because suddenly all these feelings are here and I don't know if it's because I've been repressing them, or if my sexuality is just shifting suddenly, or what. I just want to explode.It doesn't help that I'm also fairly genderfluid. I've been on hormones for nearly a year now, and it's helped me feel so much more confident and in-tune with my feelings, my body, and myself overall. On the flipside, it also makes me feel like I'm not desirable anymore. I have small breasts and I frequently get mistaken for a woman, but I also have a penis and will present male or female based on how I'm feeling. I'm in this weird in-between state, where no straight nor gay man would ever want me. Ontop of everything else, I have such a specific type of guy that I'm attracted to, I feel like I'll never find them.Right now, all I know is that I've been going to gay clubs for a few weeks and I love it. I love having these safe spaces where I can be me. I love telling people I'm gay. I love making semi-serious sexual jokes with other men. I love being softer and gentler without having to feel so self-conscious. I love that girls keep wanting to be around me as a friend now. I love it all so much, to the point where I've actually bawled my eyes out by myself in the car for nearly an hour because I wish I could have lived this life sooner, and because I don't want to go back to the life I'm living now. I hate so much going back into the closet. I constantly feel like there's so much wrong with me, and I don't know how to handle any of it.TL;DR I'm a confused little shit-biscuit that doesn't know if I'm just awkward with girls or if I'm actually gay. Vaginas bore me, dicks excite me, but I have a gf of four years. The type of guy I'm attracted to probably doesn't exist. I've been made to feel ashamed about being gay my whole life and just can't get over it. I'm genderfluid, and ain't nobody wants that. Let's get drunk and read yaoi and go to a gay club together, because that's the only way I can cope.