Not ready for dating...

Hi all, I am 18 years old, gay and as much as I hate to admit it; I may not be ready to date. While I have been in a two previous relationships and am currently in the midst of something, something is holding me back from being truly myself with another man. My first boyfriend, cheated on me. A lot. And I mean a lot. My second relationship ended before it really began; he wasn't ready to take the next step even after 6 months of seeing me and even admitting he like me a lot. And I understand these things were not my fault, but there is the quiet voice in my head that says that if I were better than none of this would have happened.I believe that these not so great experiences have left me with self esteem issues and a level of trust issues that I don't even know how to begin to fix. With this new boy, when we're together its great. We get on well, get on even better physically, and yet, I don't feel comfortable. He's not the best at online communication and this leaves me spiralling into a whirl of overthinking and what ifs. Every little thing that I do: like asking them out, asking what we are and even something as simple as touch can be escalated in my mind, making it seem like a big issue, something that I am wrong in doing. And thus, I have been left at my aforementioned conclusion.Yet while I come to grips with this fun idea, I can't help but feel unfulfilled. I want someone to care for. I want someone to care for me. Someone that I can share my life with, no matter how mundane. I have waited for 18 years, shoving that side of me away, and now that I can experience this wonderful world, I find myself too broken to even dip my toe. I have spent this time, building myself up. I have hobbies, friends. I feel like my life is complete as a person. My friends tell me its just been bad luck and that I deserve better. But at what point do I deserve something? Thank you all for listening, I would love any input or advice or anything really. Also I was considering doing a kind of blog talking about whatever, if you guys would be interested haha.