Need to get this out

Sorry if I bore you but thanks to all who read :).So I have always known that I’m gay, and watching coming out videos on YouTube really touch me, and I really hope that I have family members like that. Unfortunately, the greatest discrimination I have ever felt is from my family members. At 22, I have never had a Girlfriend, and never have I dated anyone. Every visits to my relative’s house start with the same question. “Still no Girlfriend? Are u gay?” -snickers- Even when reading news about gay celebrities, they will say this in mandarin. “Homosexuals? They should die.” “Ahgua.. drop dead” —direct translation for those who understand. Hearing these, I have never thought of coming out to my relatives. I thought that my immediate family is my safe haven, where I will be loved and protected, no matter who/what I am, and how I turned out to be. I know of the efforts my parents gave to support my family— my Mother did not divorce my alcoholic, gambling addict Father for me, and suffers in silence Everyday. She will scrimp on her own clothes, eat leftovers to buy clothes and drumsticks for me. I love her, I really do. Even though I am lonely an without friends, I work my hardest in the hostel Everyday, thinking about paying back my mother’s efforts. Eating alone everyday with no friends to talk to, cry to and laugh to mean nothing to me. I will do everything I can for my Mother. She was my safe haven and my everything. She always knew that I’m gay. Despite this, she puts on a false front and asks me when I’ll have a Girlfriend every time, and pretends that she doesn’t know. Today, she finally told me this. “Please don’t tell me you are gay. I will faint and kill myself.” I was torn to shreds. What am I supposed to do? I can’t even be myself to the person most important to me. The only person in my life rejects who I am. It hurts, when the person closest to me is against my very being. I have worked really hard to please her with my grades and be the best son I can be. What can I do when I really have no feelings for any girls? What can I do when I am so tired of hiding? What can I do to unshackle myself? What can I do to be happy? I really don’t know.