Lost

I've repressed my gay self up into my 30s. I've dated a handful of times. Three of those times were abusive. I thought it was some defect in me. I just realized this with the latest one. My whole world feels in shock. I went to my family and they have done nothing to even press me what's wrong. I was isolated in a cult for 8 years and have no friends now. I feel I have nobody. I feel if I reach out to anyone I know they won't understand or think it's odd or not believe me or think I'm being needy.