It's been a weird ride for me folks. What should I do about him? please don't judge. *warning: long story*,dl

So I [M,Filipino,20] have been in love with this boy, we'll call him Mikey[M,Black,21] since the 7th grade. Mikey and I weren't friends in 7th grade. I could barely say hi and bye to him because he was so fucking hot and I would literally pop a boner right then and there. lol jk, but yeah he was hot so I acted very nervous. He was really funny, not the smartest, but definitely talldark&handsome&biglips. He always had the nicest clothes, his curly hair always cut fresh and the cleanest j's. he was also just blessed with good genes. We always had different groups of friends, and different interests. I use to hang out with a group of all girls, and he would hang out with the popular kids and always have random girls like, stalking him. everyone else saw me as like a ladies man (not as a compliment). Everyone would make fun of me for how I act, and the clothes I wore. (even my so called friends.) So 7th-8th grade I did a lot of changing I became really self-concious and felt that he must probably think shit of me tooI , I never wanted any of the guys I liked to look at me as a like a bitch or a female, because yeah i'm gay but i'm not a female. I ultimately blocked out almost everyone, became a loner and stopped hanging out with girls so much, ran so far in the closet and not proud. started listening to more male rappers & trap music, started playing/learning about NBA and basketball, wearing airforce 1's and designer belts/ clothing and just yeah, my voice deepened & I used words like Bro, Nigga. cringe, right? I just completely switched up my whole personality and adopted the way Mikey spoke with his homies.It's now 10th grade, and I learned that Mikey smokes weed. So in desperate attempts to become closer friends with Mikey (I would always fantasize about being in his group of friends) I begin smoking myself. So starting from 10th grade, that's when we started to get a little conversation in because it's like hey, weed! lol that didn't work, and I eventually gave up and realized he's just not interested in me (as a friend) but was I remained obssesed with him. I would always jack off to him since early 7th grade just the thought of him fucking/humping me so hard. So, senior year, I step out my shell and I met one of his close friends, he started becoming one of my best friends, Adam. Adam & I would always hang out, play ball and smoke together and Adam would bring me to parties and we would drink. I was basically introduced to Mikey's whole crowd, which I would've never thought would happen. (Mind you, I'm also hanging out with all these str8 boys that thought I was gay but now I'm apparently str8.)In the summer after high school, I went to a bonfire with Adam and we saw Mikey there, Adam, me and mikey started hanging out and drinking together. After that, Me, Adam, and Mikey would always hang out, It would always be the 3 of us and we became a group until Mikey started hitting me up himself personallyThis is when me and Mikey really got close.We would play ball and he would vent to me about problems with his girlfriend Nessa(who happens to be my former friend back in my more feminine days). We started hanging out just him and I, It began to come to the point where we hung out every single day, just random times. but we always saw each other at least 3 times a day.(he also lived 3 blocks away, not far) He would always come to my house or meet up wherever, and we would always smoke smoke smoke. I would go to his work on breaks, (he's had 3 jobs and I've been to all of them)sometimes I would wake up & give him coffee. I would always drive him to his practice (he had his own car.), and I even distanced myself from Adam, which is kind of shitty but I always felt like a 3rd wheel to them. I started always hanging out with him, when he hung out with his friends/girlfriend I would wait at home for him until he called me. My mind was seriously All about Mikey these whole past years. All my emotions were bc of him. All my personas and how I changed myself was bc of him.It's so frustrating because I'm only pretending to be a straight guy. So alot of shit is bottled up.** One day he couldn't hang out. I got super emotional that he couldn't (even though I was gonna see him the next day or the next one) Usually when he can't hang out, he'll basically lead me on and tell me that we'll meet up later, I blew up his phone, don't know why I did it, but I did. He angrily reacted and started saying some things like "BITCH" "FEMALE" "I CANT FUCK W YOU, I'M SORRY BUT UR A FAG" . He was really really angry at me. (for not giving him his space) So this went on about, 20 times, how would we argue like this, and after every argument I would always apologize. and then one day in my room, we were rolling a blunt, and he said I need to talk to you. He said "Are you gay?" (which I am, but it threw me off. My heart dropped) I said No!! in a hostile way, (also side note: everytime someone tried to accuse me of being gay I always denied it) . then 2 secs later I decided to play it off as a joke, so I was like yeah I am I suck 100 dicks a day, and he was like I kneww it haha, it got quiet and after that, we just smoked. When he left, I threw a bag of M&M's at him, and said HAVE A GOOD DAY which was so ugh. I wish i could slap myself sometimes. He later then talked to me the next day and said Hey, It's okay. I realized that your just extra emotional, you don't have to be embarassed. After that day we started hanging out like normal. The month after, we're about to smoke inside my car and he asks if I could open the trunk so he could put his shirt in there. I couldnt resist staring >///< he was like some fucking sexy dark ass chocolate, so I popped a boner and got really hot. We went to my house after and he started getting really close to me, and I didn't move, he breathed on me a little and he moved. We didn't talk about that. The next time I saw him, we drank & he said he broke up with his girlfriend (Because he actually cheated on her with another girl) He ended up being really drunk and just put my face to his balls and kept directing my head to his dick.(i took advantage) I ended up giving him head, and he busted inside my mouth, i swallowed everything and even his spit.. After that he kept saying you like that shit huh you faggot which I got confused like, was this his plan the whole time. The following morning was awkward, and he said basically blamed me and said I raped him, he said that if he ever sees me he's gonna beat me up. I apologize apologize apologize and then we start hanging out again and start messing around again. He eventually became nicer to me and everytime we messed around he always said "I aint with that fag shit but I'm down to get "High"" and he would always threaten me if I told anyone, he would beat my ass. and I believe him because he fights alot. (didn't care though, it actually blew my mind because this is what I wanted in the 7th grade, I've came a long way) Sucking his dick became daily. Normally he didn't wanna go any farther than that but one day he was really hard, he sticked it inside of me, and it hurt like shit but It felt good and fulfilling knowing his dick is inside. After that I kinda waited a little to do anal, then I was okay. He started to fuck me every day. until he got back with girlfriend. He stopped fucking me everyday and it started to be once a week. I literally started acting so crazy because I needed that dick so bad. I would masturbate to one video of me sucking his dick, and then cry after. I threatened to tell everyone and he said If I did that, then I definitely wouldn't have a chance with him ever. He left me alone for almost a year, and he broke up with his girlfriend again. He says he's through with her and he wants to pursue a (Downlow) Relationship with me. What should I say? I'll be honest, I'm all for a downlow relationship because I love him so much and This is truly honestly someone that has made me act like something I wasn't, but at the same time I feel like he completes me. Like I just feel safe and protected next to him. But I know that I'm not what he truly likes, because he's not really gay. He's just keeps using me because he thinks I'm easy access. I'm tired of being kicked around by him but I'd rather have that than nothing. I've always loved him/been intrigued by him way back then. It never changed, only grew deeper through these years, especially when we started hanging out, but I've been overused. :-( Also, I still never thought, me, a weirdo, could ever hang out with Mikey. What should I do? Should I go with my heart?_i tried to describe my situation best as i could, some parts might be weird to understand, and & didn't proofread/elaborate on some parts. Please ask if confused.