Looking for support and someone to listen. I’m just so broken right now

Sorry, new to reddit, typing through tears too. Also this is really long. I’ve also posted this in r/offmychest And r/suicidewatch but I just don’t know what to do. Sorry if this isn’t an okay place to put thisMy best friend of 17 years was in a really bad car accident several weeks ago. Recently found it was a drunk driver and I’m so fucking pissed on top this hurt. He’s luckily still alive, but it’s not looking great. His mom called me yesterday and told what had happened. I’m too devastated to be upset at just now being told, his parents are super conservative and they know I’m gay, so that’s great. He’s in and out of consciousness, and I can’t bare the thought of losing him. From what his parents told me when he was awake he demanded that they call me, and they did thankfully.I don’t have all the details as I’m not considered family by the hospital. All I know is that his parents say that the doctors say that his odds aren’t good. He was awake last night and he looked at me and said “if I die, I just want you to know that you are the best friend I’ve ever had. I love you” and fucking hell I just can’t right now. I told him he’s not going to die, I won’t allow it. But I don’t know what to do. If he doesn’t make it, I’m honestly thinking suicide. I just can’t do this without him. He was the only person in my conservative ass hometown that stood by me when I came out, he is the only person who stood up for me when my “friends” kept harassing me for being gay, he’s the only person I completely trust outside of my boyfriend. He has been the greatest friend I’ve ever known, and he means so much to me. We’ve been through so much.How do I do this? I just love this man so damn much. He’s the only family I have. Even when my parents disowned me, he would sneak into my backyard where my parents made me sleep with a tent and he would just let me cry on his shoulder for hours, not even speaking. He was completely happy to just be there for me. We never said a word those nights, but I never felt more loved or more like someone actually cared than those silent, tear filled nights. And can I just tell you that this amazing friend went to prom with me so that I wouldn’t feel lonely? He didn’t have a date and neither did I, but one day he was just like “do you want to go to prom?” And I was like “yea, but remember? I’m gay. No guy at our school in his right mind would go with me.” And he said “okay start looking at tuxes. You’re going with me” and we went together, but not as a couple. And in the slow dance part, we fucking square danced and he made me realize that I am loved, even if I don’t have a boyfriend. Dude he’s just the friend i could ask for. I love him. And one time He was sleeping over at my house one time, and my dad came home and had just found out I was gay. My dad started hitting me for being a failure to him and God, and this friend was so amazing. He called the cops and probably saved my life. My dad is still in jail, but that’s for unrelated reasons. Just being there for me. I love him to fucking pieces, not even romantically. This is the guy that I would take a bullet for. I just fucking don’t know what to do. I haven’t let go of his hand yet, because every once in a while, he squeezes my hand and I remember that he’s still alive.If there is a God, this is some sadistic shit. Born gay in some town that thinks conversion therapy is a good thing, my parents call me a disgrace and make me live in a tent, only allowed to come inside to shower and change clothes, forcing me to hate myself for so long, and when I finally feel like my life is finally looking up and that everything will be ok? You try to take my best friend away from me? If you exist God, fuck you.I’m sorry I’m just at a really low point right now and I can’t even see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m so numb right now and I can’t breathe and I don’t know how to go on if he doesn’t pull through.I posted this to r/offmychest earlier but didn’t get many responses. I just need someone to talk toAlso, he’s in so much fucking pain when he’s awake. I hate it. The docs said that right around the time I showed up, his vital signs got much better, even though they’re still not great. So I think there’s some proof that love heals, but I guess I’m just trying to be optimistic here. If my love could heal him at a 1:1 exchange rate, he’d be in perfect condition by now. But that’s not the case. They also said if his kidney function doesn’t improve, he could need a transplant. Which I will do in a heartbeat. They’ve already tested my blood and we’re the same type of blood (A-). His dad refuses to donate and his mom isn’t even at the hospital anymore.And I’ve seen the wounds. He has cuts and gashes that are impossibly deep, a shattered leg, especially the femur, and a compound fracture of his left ulna, as well as severe head trauma. He’s suffering so much and I can’t do anything but watch him suffer. If I could, I would trade spots with him in an instant. He has so much more to live for than me. I just really love him. If I could take the pain away, even if it meant transferring it to me and making it 10x worse, I’d do it. No questions asked.God, if you exist, don’t take my best friend away from me. Please. He is everything to me.