Life is hard

Maybe is just a rant about how my life never ends the way I want, anyway I want anyone to tell me if I'm wrong or not:I used to ve a really really shy kid. I knew I was gay when I was 15 and got my first iPhone (the first thing I searched for was gay porn) I spend 7 years to finish my studies and fled from everything as soon as I can, I visit my parents at home once a mont, got a Nice job, lots of Friends and a place for myself but I feel as lonely as the first day with that phone on my hand, I could have sex almost everyday (I never wanted Friends with benefits, now I have 3) if I wanted to, Im sick of dating people (I Guess I'm not good enough) it's better to ve lonely than begining with someone that isnt good for you, still I desiree to be with someone that likes me for what I'm am, I want both and thats not posible, I want a boyfriend but I also want to be alone (that way at least I feel at peace) I Just feel ugly, useless and expendable. People I dated made me feel that way. Everyone see me at the pinacle of succes and I could not feel more miserable. I just want someone to spend my days, movies, icecream or skating. Someone to feel that everything I done Since I came out was worth for more than Just living in a cold house. I won't do anything stupid but this feeling is eating me alive. I want to stop feeling bad and what is worse I Just want to stop feeling lame for feeling this way for something as stupid and inexistent as love.