I Kissed another Man for the First Time. Advice Needed.

Hey everyone,This is my first time ever making a post or anything, so sorry if I seem like I don't know what I'm doing on this first post. This one is going to be a long one, but I would really appreciate it if I could get help from all you people who are probably much more experienced at this stuff than I am. In the past couple weeks I've felt so many emotions: scared, confused, happy, ecstatic, depressed, etc. I’m going to give you a background of what has been going on in my life, leading up to the kiss.High SchoolOk so here it goes. I'm a currently a 20 year-old male in college. I've dealt with "different" feelings my whole life, but it wasn't until high school that I started to understand what it was that I was feeling. Up until my junior year of high school, I told myself that I only liked girls. My friends had girlfriends, so it only seemed natural that I should have one too. I remember on the first week of my junior year, I haphazardly asked out a girl in my Spanish class. We didn't really have a connection. In fact, we only had a couple interactions before I asked her out to the movies. I hadn't ever had a relationship before that point, and my parents were starting to feel a little uncomfortable that I hadn't had a girlfriend while all my other friends already had at least one. I guess I felt a little pressure to start making progress in that area of my life. So long story short, we dated for two months and broke up. It's not that we had anything against each other. There was just... no chemistry. I knew I wasn't really into the relationship, but I told myself, "She just isn't your type. You'll find another girl." It wasn't until the second semester of my junior year when I registered for a psychology class that things really changed. It was the first day of second semester, I walked into class and sat at one of the corner desks (I am a bit shy). I glossed over the room, looking at the other faces in the class who had also picked up a "throw-away" class to get a few credits closer to graduation. As I looked around my eyes halted on one of the boys sitting on the other side of the classroom (who we will call Collin). He had a short, military-style hair, a firm, masculine jaw, and a shirt with sleeves that were a little tight, showing off his big, firm biceps. It felt like my heart stopped. I couldn't describe how I was feeling in that moment. I was paralyzed; I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I then felt the blood rush into my face, and my heart began to race. It was an amazing feeling. I'd never felt that way in my entire life before. I must have looked so strange if anyone was watching me, struck still for a good few moments. That night I felt scared. "What is wrong with me?" I thought. "I-I can't think this way. It’s a sin." But I couldn't get the thought of my mind. I'd hardly slept that night. If my parents (who are very conservative and religious) ever found out about this, I would be kicked out of the house. I tried fighting it the next day, and the next week, and the next several months. The harder I tried to push the thought of Collin away, the harder it pushed right back. It was futile to fight it. The truth is that, I didn't want to fight it. The only reason I so desperately tried to escape my true feelings is because I knew what my parents would do if I ever was open about what I felt. Over time though, I learned how to stuff my feelings into a box. "Besides," I thought, "I need to start thinking about applying for college soon." As college applications rolled around, I found a distraction. It was something to take my mind off of Collin... for the most part. I applied to a couple of the same colleges as him so that, maybe, we would still be able to see each other. In my senior year, we did become friends. I got to know him well, and his personality made him even more attractive to me. He was fearless, outgoing, funny, and a good communicator: everything I wasn't. I felt like we made a good match...but just as friends unfortunately. Graduation came around. It was a time of mixed feelings. I was saying goodbye to people I had known since elementary school. But, I was also moving on to bigger and better things. I would start university in a few months, at a different one than Collin was going to. Collin started dating a girl over the summer, which ruled out the likelihood we would ever be anything more than just friends. I remember the last time I had ever seen him. He was packing up his truck with gear, ready to drive off to college. We hugged. I still remember the feeling, wrapped in his arms; his warm, muscular body embracing my skinny, flimsy body. I wanted to tell him how I felt. I wanted to pour my heart out to him. I wanted him to embrace me in his arms again and tell me everything was going to be ok; that we could be happy together, not giving a shit what the world thought of us. My heart was screaming out, "DO IT. DO IT YOU IDIOT!" But I knew I couldn't. He wasn't gay, and I had to accept that. And, contrary to my fantasy, I was still dependent on my parents. It would never work. I watched him get into his car and drive off. It was the last time we have seen or spoken to each other. Almost three years ago. I don't know what happened. We still had each other's numbers (he doesn't have any social media). I could always call him...but something about the memory of Collin, though every moment was sweet and enjoyable, still hurts for some reason. I guess we just lost touch.CollegeThere was bolt of lightning that energized the whole freshman class. Freshmen were on their own for the first time, living in dorms, eating whatever food they wanted, making new friends; becoming new people. For me, this felt like a clean slate. I was finally able to start new, where no one knew who I was (I am at an out-of-state university). I met some cool people, made new friends, and even got a girlfriend in my first term of college. I felt like my world was reset, and I was finally at peace. In my second term of college, my life went for another turn. It was almost like a carbon-copy repeat of my second semester of junior year. I had decided to take a Korean language class because it sounded interesting and I love learning languages. Second semester had some new faces, possibly transfer students. I took a quick glance around the room to see who else was in the class, and, just like last time, was stopped by a handsome looking guy (we'll call David): long, dark hair, and, though not as muscular as Collin, definitely worked out. He had a confident, determined look in his eyes; it was intimidating, yet attractive at the same time. He was sitting just a few desks across from me. It happened again: my face felt red and my heart started to beat faster. I looked away instantly. "No! I can't do this. I have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend!" I didn't want to notice him, but I was going to be trapped in the same room with him for an entire semester. "What should I do?" I thought. "Should I just drop out of this class? Run away?" I couldn't believe this was happening all over again. That night, images of David kept spiraling around in my mind. I locked myself in my dorm. "I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay." I kept repeating this to myself. I denied to myself that I ever liked Collin. I refused to believe that I liked David. That night while curled up in my bed, thinking about all of this, I broke down crying. In my tears of emotion I finally accepted who I was. I don't know how long I was sitting up in my bed, crying. But it felt like an hour at least. What was I crying about? A lot of things. I was crying because years of bottled up emotions had finally come out. I was crying because I was happy that I could be honest with myself. I was also scared. I cried because I didn't know what to do about my parents. I didn't know what to do about my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I ended up breaking up after 1 year. There were a lot of issues in our relationship, but one of the biggest was that I was just not into it. Once my ex and I parted ways, there was a void; a need for someone to be close to me. About a year went by when I just focused on studies. In 3rd year Korean class, I started paying attention to David again. Now that I wasn't dating my ex anymore, and I was more honest with myself, I didn't feel as bad looking his way. Whenever we would prepare for tests or oral exams, I always asked if we could study together. Sometimes we would get dinner together before studying, which made it feel kind of special. I later found out in a conversation with him that he had recently come out as bi-sexual. It seemed like a sign.Now to be TRULY HonestSo, before we continue the main story (and by the way, if you are still reading, you have NO idea how much it means to me. I really appreciate you taking the time to get this far,) we need to talk about one of my other personal struggles. At the time of writing this, I have only truly been open with myself in the past month or so. Coming out to myself as gay was one of the most incredible and liberating feelings that I have felt in my life so far. I never knew how painful it was to wear shackles until I was finally released from them for the first time. It opened the door for other much needed self-reflective moments. I didn't have too many female friends growing up. This was mainly because my parents wanted me to be masculine, and surround myself with masculine people and things. My dad forced me to join the YMCA football team when I was young. When I made it clear that I was not into that at all, he made me join basketball. I still wasn't into it. My parents got a little aggressive with me because of my lack of interest in sports. They even slapped me with a couple of comments that were meant to be offensive, like, "why don't you want to play football like all the other boys. What'ya gay or something?" or, "I'm gonna teach you to throw a football like a real man. I ain't raisin' no pussy." My parents belittled me a lot. I was often verbally beaten into submission when I fell outside the norm. One thing that I took refuge in was Disney movies. My sister and I loved watching Disney. We watched Aladdin, Mulan, Cinderella, Snow White, etc. I especially liked watching Snow White. We had a bunch of VHS Tapes and a VHS player which we used to watch the Disney movies. My mom told me years later that I watched that Snow White tape so much that I wore it down and it eventually broke. My mom would always say, "You had such a crush on Snow White!" What she didn't realize, however, was that it wasn't a crush. Because of movies like Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, etc, I developed a love of fashion from an early age. I had dreamed of having Cinderella's beautiful ballroom gown and glass slippers. One Christmas when my sister and I were young, my parents bought my sister a Cinderella outfit, complete with the high heal slippers. I was a little envious since my gifts that year consisted of Hot Wheels and a baseball bat and glove. One day, when no one was looking, I slipped into my sister's room and pulled the outfit out of her closet. I put on the dress, which fit well, and put on the glass slippers, pretending as if the prince was putting it on for me. I have kept this moment a secret, before telling you now. In elementary school, I got into the habit of peeing sitting down. Any time my family and I were out somewhere and I had to use the restroom, I would go to a stall. If all the stalls were taken but urinals were available, I would wait for a stall. My parents started to get suspicious of this over time. One day when I was about 9 my parents pulled me out of my room and sat me on one sofa, them on the other. "Son, why do you use the stalls all the time?" my mother asked. "Yeah we're really worried about you," my father said with a tone that was far more threatening than it was caring. "I just need to use the bathroom," I said with nerves in my voice. I didn't understand why this was such a big issue. "Son, men stand up to take a piss. I ain't raisin' some pansy ass that sits down to pee," my father said, this time with a tone as if I had talked back to him. "You're father's right. The devil loves to manipulate people into believing something they're not," said my mother. That statement got to me. I was really religious as a kid. My parents made us go to church every Sunday, and we had to go to the Wednesday night youth groups. I was brainwashed into thinking I was going to hell because I was sitting down to pee. From that moment forward, until college, I worked endlessly to try to block out "the devil's thoughts." Being masculine always felt weird to me. I always felt like I was trying to be something I wasn't. It felt like I was wearing a costume even thought it wasn't Halloween. I felt out of place. Maybe that's why I didn't have a lot of friends in school. I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I started to be more and more conscious of my male features and anatomy as I got older, especially during puberty. I hated the changes my body was going through. I looked at the few female friends I had, and desperately wanted to be like them. I became more and more uncomfortable with my male genitalia, my lack of breasts, my male jawline, and my increasingly hairy body. Even today when my female friends, for instance, talk about having children, I feel a little isolated and alone. My freshman year of college, while I was dating my ex, I started googling my feelings (weird how google is now a verb, huh?) The results I found made me realize that I wasn't alone at all. There were a lot of people out there like me who feel like they don't fit in with society, or their own body. One of the first results I stumbled upon was a video of a girl known as Julie Vu. If I ever have the chance, I need to thank this amazing woman so much. I learned so much about myself because of her YouTube channel. It was there that I learned I was transgender. Because I was dating my ex at the time, I was still in a little bit of denial that I was trans. But over time, just like with coming out to myself as gay, I began to accept it. Though, admittedly, I still have a hard time with my whole dysphoria thing. To give you all some background. I am 6'4", slender, and I have a somewhat masculine face. Looking at Reddit trans pages have helped my confidence a lot. I have seen a lot of tall, beautiful, confident trans women on this site. Some of them even found a happy life with a boyfriend or girlfriend. But nevertheless I still struggle with dysphoria. I have doubts such as: "Will I pass?” "I'm too tall." "My feet are too big" "My shoulders are too wide" "My face is too masculine." The biggest concern, though, is "What will my parents think?" I'm split. I need emotional support in my life. I have good friends, but I'm afraid that if I lose my family's emotional stability will start to crack. The thing is, even though I have a trans-phobic, homophobic and an all-around conservative family that would probably have a psychological meltdown if I came out to them as a woman, I still love them. That may sound odd, but that's how I feel. Now that I've truly accepted that I'm trans, though, it has started to take its emotional toll. I feel like I need to choose between my family, or my happiness. Right now, I dress masculine, and I keep a little bit of facial hair on just to stay under the radar a bit more. But I hate it. And I hate it more and more with each passing day. I keep looking at this cute maxi dress online that I've been dying to buy, but have been too afraid to get. I live in an apartment with two other roommates. I know they would accept me. But part of me still feels afraid for some reason. I haven't let anyone know my true feelings. The feeling becomes stronger day by day though. The woman inside of me is dying to come out and be free.The First KissThis is the part of the story you've been waiting for. Again, thank you SO SO much if you have come this far. You are such an awesome human being for letting me pour all my emotions out.So David and I were doing these study sessions for Korean tests. We started to become friends, and would just hang out together. I never came out to him about my identity or sexual orientation. I wanted to though. One day I'd texted him, "Hey why don't we grab some beer and dinner." He agreed. It was an average Friday night. As we were eating we were having a great conversation as we always were. David's words had such a suave flow, he had me in a spell I couldn't break as was usually the case. We both like old movies and TV shows. As we were talking about shows we liked as kids I mentioned Twilight Zone, which it turned out we both love. I had said, "Oh it’s on Netflix. Why don't we go to my apartment and watch a few episodes together?" He agreed and after dinner we both walked to my apartment. We've been to each other's apartments before, but for some reason my heart was beating fast. I looked at him for a second. I was feeling so irresistibly attracted to him in that moment. I almost couldn't contain it. I wanted him to wrap one of his arms around my lower back, the other to take my head, and pull me in for a kiss. I contained my flaming emotions though. We finally got to my apartment. I made some popcorn and got out candy and we sat on the couch in my bedroom and watched Twilight Zone on my laptop. At first we were sitting upright, with some distance between us. After an episode or two went by, we began to slouch a little. Another episode went by and he began to lean on me just slightly. I began to lean on him just barely. I wasn't sure if he was just getting comfortable, or if our thoughts were the same. After the third episode led into the fourth, our heads were leaning up against each other, our legs started to intertwine with one another. Finally, he grabbed my hand and held it in his. My heart was racing at a million miles per hour by this point. Suddenly, he leaned over to close my laptop and we began to make out in the dark. This was the best feeling of my life. Suddenly, for the first time ever, everything clicked. Everything felt natural. David held me firmly in his arms and I felt like a princess being swept off her feet by the prince.After we made out, all my thoughts, fears, and anxieties flooded my mind. I thought about how my parents would disown me. I thought about how I would be hated by people in my hometown and church (which has a lot of conservative people). I know I shouldn't be worried about how people, even my parents judge me. But the problem is that I rely on my parents for financial assistance. If they stopped funding me, I would have to drop out of college. I wouldn't be able to pay rent, or even eat. I can't rely on my friends for financial support because they aren't rich either. I'm so afraid of what would happen to me if my parents ever found out. David sensed that something was wrong, and asked me. I told him I messed up. I told him I just had too much to drink, and that I wasn't gay. I told him that I needed time alone to figure things out. I'm not sure how he felt, but he was understanding and has given me some space. It’s been a couple weeks and we haven't talked. I've reverted back to the scared elementary school child my parents conditioned me to be. I'm not happy. I miss David so much, but I'm afraid being with him might have bad consequences if my parents ever found out. I couldn't ask him to keep the relationship a secret. That wouldn't be fair to him. And I care too much about him to put him through drama and chaos.I know that this post was long. Way longer than I ever anticipated it would be. But I need help. What do I say to David? Should we be in a relationship, or is it just not meant to be? If my parents ever found out they would explode and disown me; and I don't want to put him through that. Should I officially come out to David as a trans woman? I have some questions listed above, but please feel free to add anything you'd like based on what you've read here, I need ALL the advice I can get. Things feel so complicated and I don’t know what to do.