I [32M] survived but I wish I hadn't

When I was 12 I started watching gay porn and hanging out in gay chatrooms. I wasn't sure whether I was gay or not at that age, but I know I enjoyed masturbating to gay porn more than straight porn, and I met Chris in a chatroom who lived near me. He said he was 14 and in high school, and he said he wasn't sure whether he was gay either, and we started chatting every day for weeks. I'd spend all day in school just thinking about going home, logging on, and chatting with Chris.After chatting for weeks, we decided to meet up at the mall. Neither of us knew what the other looked like, but he said he'd be wearing a blue-and-white striped polo shirt, and I lied and said I'd be wearing a red t-shirt. I wore a black sweatshirt instead and went to the mall, just wanting to see what this high school boy looked like. We said we'd meet in the food court on the first floor, so I sat on a bench on the second floor overlooking the food court, looking for someone wearing a striped polo. While I was looking down below, someone sat down next to me and asked, "James?" Maybe I was looking for someone too intently, or because the only Asian boy in a predominantly white area stands out, but even wearing a black sweatshirt, he found me. And he wasn't 14. He was probably in his 20s, but obviously trying too hard to look like a teenager. I was so shocked but I started apologizing about lying about the red sweatshirt but he said, "It's cool. I thought you might be nervous and not wear something so bright. But I'm glad you still came. You're really cute!" My heart was pounding, my face was hot, and I just said, "Thanks, you're cute too." I didn't care that he lied about his age.We walked around the mall for a few hours, not really talking to each other, just silently drinking sodas. Then he said his parents weren't home and we could hang out and play his Playstation. I had a Playstation too but I lied and said I'd never played it before and really wanted to try it out. I didn't ask him how a 14 year-old could drive a car, and I got into his car and we drove to his house. It was a really nice, really big house in a really nice neighborhood, and there were family pictures everywhere, and he really did live with his parents, which made me feel better. And he did have a Playstation, so we played a couple games before he kissed me. I'd never kissed anyone other than my mother before. I didn't know what to do and I froze. He said, "I'm sorry." I said, "It's cool," then I kissed him. And then we had sex. I started crying but just hid my face in the pillow until he was finished. Then we both showered. I asked him if we could play more video games, and he asked me if I wanted to put it in my mouth, and so I did. Then he drove me back to the mall, I walked around the mall for a little while by myself and drank a soda to get his taste out of my mouth, then my mom picked me up and took me home. I never saw or talked to Chris again.About a year later, a lawyer from the county DA's office called the house, told my mother that they'd arrested "Chris", and that they'd found my screen name on his computer. When she put me on the phone, I said I'd only talked to him online, and denied ever having met him in person. I don't know whether the DA or police or anyone else called the house again about Chris, but my mother never said anything to me about it again.After Chris, I continued to meet guys in chatrooms. But they were all my age, and by the time I got to high school, I realized I wasn't gay or bisexual. I stopped watching gay porn and hanging out in gay chatrooms. I dated a lot of girls, had a few serious relationships with girls, and even got engaged to a woman in my 20s. But nothing ever worked out. I'm romantically and sexually attracted to women and only women. But for 20 years I've masturbated thinking about what Chris did to me. I would rather choose to masturbate thinking about that than have actual sex with girlfriends. I've ruined so many relationships because I couldn't stop masturbating, thinking about what he did to me.I've gone to counseling for years. I've gone to support groups. I learned 1 in 3 gay and bisexual men have been victims of sexual assault, and that statistic is probably too low, the real number is likely much higher, because sexual assault is underreported in general, and men who don't identify as gay or bisexual are even more unwilling to report sexual assault by other men. And I learned that my childhood experience isn't rare in the LGBT community: pedophiles and predators prey on so many individuals when they're young and vulnerable, made even more vulnerable by bigotry that forces people to hide.When I started writing I titled this "I survived but I wish I hadn't" because I hate that I can't stop masturbating to this trauma. But having written this, I'm glad I did survive my experience. I'm glad Chris didn't kill me. I'm glad that I didn't kill myself afterward. I'm glad I had the chance to share my story. And I hope someone who's also questioning their sexuality or isn't ready to be open about their sexuality gets a chance to read this. Don't let anyone take advantage of you because you're confused or scared. Don't be ashamed. Be safe. You matter.I carry my scars. I may never fully heal from them. But in this moment, I feel hopeful.