The Thoughts are BACK

Im a simple guy im older 47yo male. I dont a lot of stupid stuff in my life. Ive turned my back on a relationship where i could have been married and had kids, yes i loved her.I am so confused and so alone and its all caused by myself. I am so scared and always have been to be in a relationship because it puts me in a position of letting my feelings out to somebody else only to be stepped on.Depression oh hell yes we are bed mates. Its bad right now ive been driving for over 2 hours going no where. Ive pulled into restaurants only to pull out because i dont want to deal with even that at this point.The one person i cared for recently decided he was not gay/or bi and has turned his back on me. He was probably correct for doing that.Hurts so dam much, right now. Why the hell do i let myself into this position. Ending it seams so convenient so easy so uncomplicated.