My First Gay Experience...

I thought it would be good to share my first homo-sexual experience because I was told it would be I guess… alright. To start off I would like to say I am a male, and that I have never been attracted to a male until I first saw a boy at a tournament (I was actually mainly interested in girls and till this day still find them generally more attracted). I met this boy when I reached the age of 15. He looked young had braces, and the only word I told my friend to describe my first impression of him was, “cute”. I just ignored these feelings because I thought this was the type of cute that you say when you see an adorable baby, but it was not. Originally I thought he was most likely 12 years old or somewhere in that vicinity however, he was actually 14. Now, when I found this out it about seven months later through a fan message from him because I do particularly well at the gaming tournaments I participate in. Interested in whom it was I messaged back and he replied with his name, for the purpose of confidentiality I will say it was Jane. Jane and I then added each other on skype because he lives a state over (2 ½ hours). When we talk we do not use video or anything, but this does not make me any less attracted to his voice. We grow closer and after a five hour conversation on philosophy I propose we use video, (I am really starting to like him at this point.) Jane and I grow even closer through our conversations and I come up with a pretty hip nickname at the time, “bae” something that objectively is stupid looking back at it. We start to grow even more of a connection. He proposes we kiss the screen to end our conversations. To be honest writing that sentence just made me a little emotional. I was thrilled. I took it a step further and we started saying I love you every night. Fast forward about two weeks. His parents drop him off at my house so we can participate in a tournament the next day in Chicago. That Friday night we hold hands, are extremely close, he sits in my lap, yet I do not kiss him or do anything real. We still sleep in separate beds. He comes over again. We do all of the things I just mentioned except this time I’m kissing his cheeks, wrapping my legs around him, and we sleep beside each other. He said messages me the next day saying, “all that stuff we did made me feel awkward.” I dismiss it and act like nothing really happened. I think this is an appropriate time to skip to when it downhill, a month later. At this point I am about 16 he is still 14. I confess my love and ask the big question, why are we not just dating? He says he does not want to answer that. I ask “why?” He says because, “It will make us sad.” At this point I am angry. He then offers to type it. He types an essay, sends the message, and ends the call. I tried to just look through our messages, but realized that is not in my best interest. To my memory the extent of the message was you make me feel awkward, I am not attracted to you, and I do not feel the same way. There is one word to describe how I felt… heartbroken. I message him constantly, but at this point I should inform you that he has an overwhelmingly amount of self-control when it comes to just not going on his computer. He does not even view a message until two weeks later. He messages me how he feels like a douche and really misses me. I tell him that things are going to have to change and he can never treat me like that again. I also tell him that I need those kinds of things from him. He says it is fine to an extent, but this does not mean we are in any sort of relationship. I forgot to mention he would do this cute thing for me every night before we stopped talking, “1 thing 2 say 3 words 4 you, I love you!” When I asked him to do it again I was denied. He said it was the reason I always treated him like a little kid. We start to fight more often. Everytime he comes over it is basically us cuddling, playing games, cuddling some more, and then him saying how uncomfortable he feels. I would always just respond with, “I need it.” I loved the way he made me feel. Every single best moment of my life was one with him. Sometimes when are fights got really bad I would threaten to leave. He rebuttled with, “One day I might feel the same way about you.” Sometimes I thought of suicide. At a point I threatened suicide. This circle continues until the last time we see each other. Our “year anniversary.” I got him a lot of gifts. We had a good amount of fun. I should also mention that I am starting to take the megabus to his house and his parents let us have the whole basement to ourselves. We did our usual cuddle and fight cycle. I get back. For a week he constantly just keeps fighting me. It makes me feel awful. He then just stops talking to me all together. I am ignored for two months straight with no response. We text again and he takes so much bottled up hatred out on me. I take it all with pleasure responding to everything as nicely as possible. He says he needs space. I get mad at this because it has been two months. He says he does not care. We have not talked since.I just turned 17 a week ago. We did not talk on christmas or my birthday, but it is ok. One thing I realize is I am an abuser and I made countless mistakes. There are a ton of holes in the story I just told you, but for the most part that is what happened. I also started seeing psychiatry and confronted jane as his abuser, so that he could hopefully live his life happy. The reason I post this is because I think people should recognize that it is a true waste of time trying to go after someone who does not have the same sexual preference as you. I also think no one should be forced into a relationship. Looking back at the happiest moments of my life, and realizing they are practically fake puts me in tears. If you have any questions about this or want to call me a shitty person feel free, hope I could entertain or provide some insight to your life.