I don't know...

I guess I just needed a place to vent. I'm having a breakdown I suppose. These past few months I'm realizing that I really have no one to talk to. My mom is pretty much the only person who knows I am gay and while she's okay with it I presume (she never brings it up) I can't talk to her about these things because I know she'd be super uncomfortable about it. I tend to be a very introverted person and while I do make an effort to make friends, they only seem to talk to me when they want something. And relationship wise, no one in my presence even acknowledges my existence. When I try talking to people online they seem interested for only a bit and then they kind of just never talk to me again and ignore me, which has really been hurting my confidence. I feel like I've wasted my teenage years because I was never the type of person to party, do drugs or drink so I feel like that's where a majority of people got their friends. And I don't want to start now because that's just not me. And when it comes to the rest of my family, I have 5 brothers and a dad who would probably hate me forever if they found out about me. I've always tried to be the perfect child and it kills me to think just because I'm gay my family will never want to talk to me again. I love them dearly but I've heard how they talk about people who are gay on TV, criticizing them and I'm just sitting there trying not to feel hurt. I don't know why but today I just broke out into tears and I suppose I just needed to write this down somewhere. I know I jumped from topic to topic but my mind is just all over the place right now. Thankfully I am alone in my apartment, maybe I just needed a good cry.