Falling in love with straight "bro"

I love Reddit because I can voice my opinion without making myself look like a victim or an attention whore. I feel like I have a lot to say about this topic but don't wanna say it on Facebook or Twitter because for one I don't want anyone being implemented plus I don't want people thinking I'm trying to seek attention.It all started August 2014 when I went back to work at a health care facility as a cook. I was stoked because I loved the job and had lots of friends at said facility. I had gotten fired once before and because it wasn't that severe I was later hired back.Within days I saw him! At the moment I just thought he was a cute CNA. Didn't think much of it. I remember the interaction I had with "Justin". He came into the dish pit to drop of a tray. Me being me didn't say a damn word because I was just checking me out like 30 mins prior to this interaction. He says "hey how's it going man?" And all I do is look the other way and pretend I didn't hear him. I was kicking myself in the ass thinking to myself how much of an asshole he probably thought I was.Time went on and I occasionally saw him but every time I did see him my feelings got a little more intense each time. Not in a weird stalker sorta way, more like a crush.Couple months went by and I gave him my digits and said to text me if he wanted to kick-it. He texted me asked if I wanted to go grab a drink. I was on my way to the gym but canceled my plans because I really wanted to hang with him. I remember the topics we talked about, how I just looked at him and though how lonely this man is. My feelings went from lust to sorrow. At that moment, looking back now, I didn't wanna just sleep with him. He became my BroChocho. He was fighting with his girl and just needed someone to talk to and I was that shoulder he needed. No topic was off limits. He asked me questions about my sexuality and I asked him about his sex life. He didn't lie or bullshit. He respected me as a human being and didn't treat me like I was different because I was gay. I left that night knowing I had a new buddy and although arrived at the bar with the full intention on hook if up I left with a whole different outlook on the whole situation.We went on the hangout dozens of times. Come to think about it it's more than dozens but we started working out together and going fishing. I loved every minute spent with the guy. We hiked and went for walks and just vented to each other.Fast forward a few months. It was April and I was feeling guilty AF and knew I needed to tell him how I truly felt. My plan was just to lay it on him and let him choose weather or not he wanted to still hang out and be bro's. I told him over text that I had mad feelz for him and his response was that he kinda gathered that and I spent a whole month worrying about how I'm gunna fuck shit up! He didn't want to stop hanging out just because I liked him. He was totally cool with it. He was just curious to why I had mad feelings for him. Why the fuck now? He's cute, not dumb, a free thinker, and a hard worker.At work we pretty much had the same schedule at this point. And outside work were constantly going to the river or having beers. It was fun and I didn't wanna have it any other way. I know e felt guilty because I didn't drink and he thought I was drinking more because of him. It wasn't the case. I just had fun when I was with him and wanted to cut loose a little bit.I'm gunna purposely cut some of the important stuff out of this Reddit because I plan on one day sending Justin this link but when shit was good it was great, when it was bad I could literally feel the sadness. I hated it, I wanted to fix all his problems, but later became one of his problems. Looking back I probably shouldn't have been so opinionated but it's just me. If you're not happy fucking fix it. I saw the rage, hatred, and sadness in his eyes. This is when I knew I loved him and it was no longer just feelings.Even more months down the road. We both leave the health care facility on to bigger and better things(not really) and we're constantly at each other's necks fighting all the fucking time. I mean fighting. Almost to the point of fist fighting over stupid shit. It was getting ridiculous. I knew I still loved him at this point but deep down knew that we couldn't be buds. The paranoia got to me hardcore and he was lying to me over studio shit. On top of it his girlfriend had found some msgs between us with me saying how I had feelings. So naturally she didn't want us hanging and he was going behind her back to hang with me. I remember one night he texted me saying how he needed a bro! "I need you" "I need a bro". I got pissed and said to stop talking like that and that how I act more straight than him when in actuality I loved hearing it but didn't, couldn't, and shouldn't hear it from him. He even went as far as saying "I love you". I didn't say it back but deep down inside I knew I did love him. It wasn't fair on his end. It means something entirely different to me than it does to him. Like I said I loved hearing this 3 words but it didn't NOT help our situation one bit. Justin you mother fucker!! You got me good man!Earlier this year we went out downtown and spent most of the night in his truck just shooting the shit and drinking beers. I remember his laugh. It was deep and meaningful. It was a very happy laugh. At this point I didn't hear his laugh like that any more. It wasn't happiness at this point. Like I said we were at each other's necks and I was constantly saying mean and fucked up shit. I was purposely doing this in the hopes that he'd move on and stop giving me false hopes. I didn't have false hope or ulterior motive just when it came to him saying the L word.End of story: we don't talk. He changed his number and moved. Not sure where but I'm lonely AF. I want to email him buy feel like I'd just fuck shit up even more. Even though this is what I was aiming for it still hurts like a mother fucker. Although it would be impossible for us to be homies currently like at this very moment I wish one day he'll forgive me for all the horrible things I said and realizes that I'm still a good bro. Yo Justin I miss you man!There's so much I need to edit including the story itself and grammar. Sorry just threw it together.