I overcame anxiety from sexual abuse

I just wanted to share my story in the hope it helps others.

First, some background about myself. I am a straight male in his early 20's attending college. For years I had struggled with anxiety about my sexual orientation. I knew I was straight but sometimes invasive thoughts or just comments people said jokingly would run rampant through my head and it was all I could do to dismiss them. After some years, I managed to get ahold of them (partially due to getting out and dating several women (which was extremely hard due to the fact I have social anxiety and turned to alcohol as a cure) and partially just to my own accord). After having an extreme anxiety attack earlier this year in which suicidal thoughts and thoughts of how I'll never find the perfect woman, I sought help from a therapist. I explained everything that had recently happened to me (grandparent passing away, not knowing what life after college would be like, girlfriend breaking up with me). She prescribed me something to help me get to sleep and relieve my anxiety and after three days, I noticed improvement. I had gotten a control on it. I was eating healthy, working out for the first time in years, and feeling good.

Well, I decided to go on a spring break trip to Padre with some of my buddies to blow off steam about exams. About the second or third day there, after drinking all day I was feeling good. Then I wound up at some random bar and met some people there. And that's where I blacked out. The next thing I knew I was coaxed into doing cocaine (not recommended, never do it). It was the first time I've done anything like it. I'm a straight shooter. Would never touch anything harder than weed and that was just a phase I went through in second year of college. I guess I'm getting off-topic because this next part still is somewhat traumatizing for me...

The next thing I remember is this guy complimenting me about my looks. I'm not going to lie. It did feel good to have someone compliment me about my looks as I've had a negative self-image for awhile. The next thing I remember is laying down on his bed, with my pants off as he fellatiated my whole genital region. I blacked out again after that. The next thing I remember is him trying to sit on my genitals and all I could do was say no. I blacked out again afterwards and don't remember what happened until I woke up in my hotel room in the morning.

The next day was horrible. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and couldn't think about what had happened. I took a bath for hours to try to feel cleaner. At first, I tried to act like it didn't happen, but deep down I knew it did. The next day got a little better but not much as my thoughts turned to what if this means I'm gay, what if he had HIV or another STI, what if my friends find out. I was freaking out. I still could hardly sleep. I got angry. At him, at myself, for allowing this to happen. I felt guilty. I had suicidal thoughts start to creep up once again. The rest of my trip was terrible. I just wanted to be home. To see my parents. To see my friends. Surround myself with familiar people and activities to take my mind off it.

Then I started looking up side effects of cocaine. It turns out some of them (especially mixed with alcohol) are extreme anxiety, hypersexuality (puts you in the state of mind that you want to have sex with anything), panic attacks, insomnia, and a racing heartbeat. It also takes days to wear off. Those days I was praying for a way out of the pain. As the days went on, my thoughts turned more to what if I really am gay. I mean, I knew I wasn't but that thought just kept popping into my head.

I looked up ways to determine my sexuality (as I had done when I was a kid going through puberty). And then I found one article that really helped. It said just because sexual orientation was determined by who you are attracted to and your sexual history. So I did some soul-searching. Dug down deep and found the answer: I'm not gay. And I clinched onto this realization and hung onto it. It was my sliver of hope. Then another thought hit me. So what if I had sex (albeit against my will) with a man. I accepted it.

DO YOU HEAR THAT EVERYONE? I HAD SEX WITH A MAN. And I promised from that day forth to never be so inebriated that I couldn't properly read the situation. I promised on that day that I would never touch any drug harder than alcohol again. I promised on that day that I would never get taken advantage of by anyone, be it man or woman again! I am stronger for this experience. I am comfortable in my own skin. And now the anxiety I've had for things I thought to be major (i.e. tests, relationship problems, etc) doesn't seem as bad.

I don't know why I'm sharing this with you. I guess to let anyone who has faced a similar situation now that it does get better. There's no shame in being a victim be it of sexual abuse or anxiety. You are a unique and special person. Don't let anyone make you think differently. YOU CAN DO IT! YOU CAN BEAT ANY PROBLEM YOU FACE, FOR YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE YOU!