I cant trust my intuition

Hi reddit, I don't know how to start this shit, all I know is that I feel fucking terrible. I feel terrible for a lot of reasons, and I fucking hate feeling this way. Feeling all confused and scatterbrained and not in control and bitter and self righteous. And I think I feel this way all because of some sort of negative conditioning. Like I've repeatedly done things or forced myself to believe things because I'm afraid of the consequences. Does that sound really ambiguous? Fuck its hard to explain. Or rather I have a tough time organizing all of these thoughts o have.

So, I guess I'll start with my girlfriend. Two months ago, I went to this house party with a girl from my school who invited me via text. I had a thing for her for years, or rather, I have been infatuated with this girl for years. To be honest with you, just based off our interactions we had in our classes I was convinced that she was at least somewhat attracted to me. And I was so glad that she was, at the time. To know that this girl reciprocated attraction made me feel pretty good. However, when I realized that fact I also felt a bit defeated. I felt defeated in the sense that I didn't have to try as hard. I find it really alluring when a girl doesn't like you back and you have to chase her, there's something about playing hard to get that I love. When that dynamic was no longer present in my eyes, I kinda felt like "okay, I guess". So at this house party, we start drinking alcohol and we start talking. We start to be honest about each other an eventually we hooked up. A bit afterwards, we sober up and confess a bit more about our now mutual attraction. I tell her about my " okay I guess" feelings when I started to think that she liked me as well. I feel uneasy at this point. This is because whenever I've been on the verge of asking out a girl, or vice versa, I get an intuitive feeling that says no. Every time I have this sort of encounter I feel something inside that says "Don't do it". I don't understand this feeling, and I've been trying to figure it out for a while now. At the present moment I have couple hypotheses as to why I feel this way. First I thought I was gay. While this didn't make sense to me (maybe I was/am just in denial), I started to feel feelings of attraction toward guys. The feeling was not like that of females, it was a different sort of attraction. Maybe toward girls my attraction is a contrived and obligated sort of feeling, and maybe with guys it is natural and genuine. Then I ask myself the question, how can I be gay if I get turned on by females as well? So then I thought I was bisexual, and still do believe that. Sometimes I doubt myself but maybe I'm just really insecure. Secondly, I thought that the feeling came from relationship or commitment issues from my childhood. Since my parents got divorced when I was young, I assumed that I've forcefully said no to relationships inside because I've always been witness to the worst kind. Also, I thought that maybe this girl isn't right for me. Then, I think like how is it possible that I've been infatuated with this girl and yet not want to be with her. I enjoy talking to her and I enjoy spending time with her. To get back to this narrative, I told her that night about how I felt and about these thoughts I had. She said its okay because if we try we can make it work. So, from then on, we were together.

Time passes and we talk more and we go out on some dates. What I noticed is, and this feels painfully honest, is that I loathe, absolutely fucking loathe, talking to her at school. For example, if we passed by each other's lockers in between classes, I feel totally depressed and totally obligated to go over and say hi and ask her how was her day. Its strange though, outside of school, or when there is not other people around, I feel perfectly fine. I absolutely adored going out with her on valentines day. Picking her up and eating food together and lying in her arms after we make out. Oh it was fuckin wonderful. Just the most serene and calm feelings. She makes me feel appreciated and wanted and accepted in the world. She adds so much content in the world I find it wonderful. Its fucking weird though, at school and sometimes texting feels contrived as fuck. As if that since we're in a relationship now we officially are obligated to text often and if we don't its not going to work. It's not going to work because we're not fitting some stupid standard of how things are supposed to be. And recently, I've been loathing our interactions, but once I get into them, it seems like I remember why I got with her to begin with.

I feel like I'm getting off track. But what I'm trying to say is how I lied to my intuition. You know, I said to myself that I'll go out with this girl in spite of some feelings inside that said no. Recently she said that I seem like I'm coming across as a robot, like I'm not expressing emotion sufficiently, and at first I was like what are you talking about, I'm such an emotional person. Then I was thinking, and I thought that maybe I'm not listening to my intuition. And when I don't listen to my intuition, thinking takes over and I go into 100% cold hearted mode because I start denying all my feelings. So from her perspective, maybe it seems like no emotions are coming out because I'm filtering them all, cause I'm in denial with my true feelings. I don't understand why I feel this way, it does not make sense. In addition, she commented how my feels of disgust and obligation and repulsiveness is reciprocated. Meaning she feels a lot of what I'm saying. Also, she said that she maybe has fallen in love with love, not the person. In other words, like she is attracted to feeling happy and content, rather than the person that makes her feeling happy or content. It ends up with her feel repulsed, I think. I don't want to think that I can predict how she feels but at the same time I do.

At first I thought my solution to feeling like shit was to talk about the meta of the relationship, and then I realized what a bad idea that was. Eventually, I talked about the meta so often that the relationship lost the fun it had at first and was just overanalyzing all of our problems. It became just dreary and boring.