After months of research I created a profile on Grindr. I wanted to experiment with all kinds of sexual activities to see what I did or did not like. I found a guy who I was moderately attracted to and we both got along well. We hooked up and I tried everything: giving and receiving, oral, anal, kissing. I have a eager desire to please so everything that I did was because I wanted to and did not feel any pressure whatsoever.Nerves still got the best of me and I could not maintain an erection. A good portion of the sensations were enjoyable: giving anal, receiving oral, and being able to please a partner in a way that satisfied my ego. Some sensations were not pleasing: his facial hair, the moist body laying on me surrounding me, or many of the smells that come with the territory. I brought him to climax twice while I could not get off because of nerves and my sexual sensitivity was diminished from excessive masturbation. What I liked most is that I felt I could be more "forceful" and fulfill some of my more aggressive desires. I think I enjoy being in a more dominant position where as with women I feel I have to be more restrained.The next morning I felt different, in a good way. I had the morning-after swagger and I felt like I had satisfied my curiosity. Women were intensely more attractive while my attraction to men turned more so to admiration. I had no desire for the same fantasies but rather I was fantasizing about sex with women I saw in my neighborhood. However I could not get my mind off the hookup and how great some of the sensations felt, so I decided to try again to see if some of my hang-ups were just first-time jitters.We hooked up the next night, this time with some more conversation. I'm more often than not an open-book, and there are few subjects that bother me. We talked about our situations and even cuddled for a bit which I admit felt nice. The problem however is that I think what I enjoyed was bonding with another guy and being able to communicate so freely without the hangups that come with talking to straight guys or girls. For him I know it was more emotional and since I have a very "agreeable" personality I know he's becoming slightly attached. I began to worry slightly about what I was doing to him, because I told him from the start I was not looking for a relationship. As we were both nervous, neither one of us could maintain an erection and I wanted it to go well so I managed to get him off and went home because it was getting late.Overall the experience was enjoyable, however I'm still unsure of what it is I like or want. Emotionally, I just don't feel the same way as I do with women. Sexually, I'm still curious to see if maybe I just don't connect physically with this guy. I'm not sure what to do because I worry he will become attached or heartbroken that I cannot reciprocate in the same way. He know's how I feel and while I wouldn't mind a friends-with-benefits situation I worry that it's not possible because of my personality. I also wonder if I am sexually attracted or just enjoying the sensations.Does anyone have any insight or advice?
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