First time here, Not sure if I belong here so I just wanna share myself and ask, What was your experience when you discovered the real you.

So a few months ago I was hit with a pile of bricks. By bricks I mean transition timeline videos.

For years I've been banging my head trying to get an idea of what i am, what i enjoy, and what i want to be. Why do I enjoy being so feminine, am I gay?(middle school/freshman thoughts). Dipped my feet in the water and quickly realized i dont like guys. "Oh im just kinda feminine, it was silly to think I was different, lots of guys are feminine, you just like rock; Robert Smith, David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, there all a bit feminine and its okay, it dosent make them less of a man.

Now Im starting to feel like I was bullshitting myself, I wanted to associate myself with guys like them to feel "normal" Im always scared my parents will be embarrassed by my interests, I used to have long hair which I OBSESSIVELY enjoyed dying, straightening, and just playing with, I was picked on at school and it easily singled me out but i loved it too much, though i still felt weird around my parents. My Dad would joke that I looked like a young Robert Plant but he didn't say much when I got in the habit of styling my hair, they also caught me with makeup on a few years ago which has never been brought up, we both thought of it as a phase. my dad introduced David Bowie to me so in my mind i try to think "they wont find it weird if they think I just look up to him, they wont be embarrassed". But I never got why I thought they would be embarrassed if I was just into glamour rock, he showed me all that music why would he be embarrassed that i like it.

Sophomore year of school I decided it was time to "Mature, grow up, act like a man" At that point I cut all my hair on impulse and just started wearing bland cloths, my whole closet is gray now. I just got tired of being called a faggot and always having attention on me. I was able to walk through school all day and not one of my friends recognized me until near the end of the day. Now that I think about it thats when my depression started.

Somehow I eventually stumbled upon some transition timeline videos, I dont know how I got there but it then felt like a wall collapsed on me, I couldn't believe how beautiful those girls where, Im not gonna lie im not the smartest person, for a while I thought transgender was just a more of a full time version cross dresser, I've cross dressed on several Halloweens with a couple friends and I still rub it in that people thought I was actually a girl(jokingly to them but real to me). I liked it but only on Halloween, I've considered trying to see if I can do it at random "as a joke" but I can't stand negative attention anymore. I always had the thought that "it would be so nice to be a girl", I would stare at girls and think about how lucky they are to get to dress that way, I would think about how I might wear my hair if i where them, but I never thought to serious about it.

Back to the timeline videos, Im in shock, and I feel horrible, I knew that if I could switch and be a girl I would but there was no way in hell I wanted to be a drag queen, where its obvious there guys, I thought thats what trans was, I didn't that going through transition made you look like a natural girl. I didn't know about HRT until a few months ago and how much of an effect it does. I can't say for sure if im trans, i might just be to uncomfortable to say so, I understood the thought of being trapped in another body and the surgeries, but after learning that I could naturally get softer skin, less body hair, less muscles and a curvier body all I can think about is how much I wanna take hormones, but im still not even sure who I am.