I'm hopelessly in love with my ex girlfriend from 3 years ago. I have some pretty severe psychological issues, which all sorts of treatment hasn't helped. I'm an alcoholic, I'm almost completely alone, I really just don't feel anything anymore. The only real love in life I had was electronics.
I have built a lot of things, I am studying engineering, and failing hard. I won't get a degree, and I need that If I'm ever going to have a decent career. I'm incredibly confused about my sexuality. I cam out as gay when I was very young, my mother who isn't very nice, wasn't very nice about it. I forgot about that, and recently decided I was bisexual, but I'm not sure even that is right. I am attracted to men to some degree, and I am a man.
Really my only regret is leaving my brother behind, we had a frankly terrible childhood. And from outside it would look like I came out alright, but I didn't, and I know inside neither did he. I don't see him much, but I know it will hurt him if I die.
I just wrote my suicide note. I feel oddly calm. I am happy in a way that this pain will finally be over. I can't go crazy and steal shit or cut myself again. I can't feel this crippling depression and life wrecking anxiety. I can't feel alone anymore. I can't hurt people. And there is absolutely no chance I can pass these genes on to a child.
Thankyou reddit, I don't go out a lot. I am a social recluse, but I post here often. This website has been one of the best things in my life, honestly. I have attempted suicide 3 times before, twice very young. I am a very very broken person. I think my suicide was inevitable. I have literally nothing to live for, and I have some form of bipolar disorder which is getting worse and worse.
Well, cya reddit. It's been fun. I will be dead in 3 days if this goes to plan, and it's something I wont fuck up for once.
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