Helo out an 18 yo confused Turk

I haven't enjoyed my three hook-ups with men. Guys in İstanbul feel very 1 dimensional regarding their "role" in sex which is a huge turn-off. The 19 yo first one, I just did him a favor - was my first real experience, idiot tried to fuck the virgin hole right away, sucked him off, was completely disappointing. Second one some 30 yo average looking but unlikeable guy sucked me and it was just mediocre - the first time someone gave me oral yet it was just meh, I was pretty much standing still while he was sucking me though (due to inexperience) so I don't really know.Third one was a really hot and cute 35 yo guy. I really liked him, we kissed a lot and I truly enjoyed it. What I didn't enjoy though was the rest. He rimmed me (didn't like it), tried to get inside me right there (seriously what's wrong with these guys? Do they not believe me when I say I haven't taken a dick before?). I sucked him and was just.. okay with it. It was a favor. I feel very confused writing this because I've actually had several dreams where I was dying to take a penis in my mouth. Anyway, I liked chatting with him after he came. Then he made me suck him another round at which point it got sooo exhausting. It went even further; he started slapping me, then slapping HARDER, going even deeper inside my mouth and such. You can see how willing I was to pretend - which is another thing I don't understand. The thing is, I miss him. Although it's only kissing and making out that I miss.At this point I'm guessing I'm a.. top? I was trying to be especially open-minded during sex and I guess I fucked up instead. I still feel weird imagining myself being dominant over someone - not that I haven't hard-fucked all sorts of holes in the past. Also my general preference of men (mature and hairy) seem to differ from that of the general tops? I just feel very unfamiliar to the whole act. What do you guys think?Note: I still haven't found my g-spot to this day (even if I did finger myself quite a lot in the past). Note 2: I was raised a strict muslim. Now an atheist guy with depression and chronic anxiety in his past.