I think I just put up with being gay and I don't "embrace" it

Sorry for using a throwaway, I am sometimes active on this sub but I don't want judged and also my boyfriend knows I reddit so I don't want to upset him over nothing.Anyway despite having a boyfriend and the like, I am still not content with being gay. I have never been happy since I realised I was this way when I was a teenager. I ended up repressing it (religious school) and well it drove me insane, I used to self harm, do drugs etc. just to get away from it all.Anyway therapy etc. got me to the point where I came out but even after that things aren't well great. My family act accepting to me but its completely obvious they hate that I am gay , I don't get on with very camp (?) gay guys and I never go to pride or all that stuff.Somehow I ended up with a boyfriend and I love spending time with him and sex and stuff but outside of that i just feel that I am putting up with my sexuality. I am not proud to be gay, I don't really identify as gay outside of the bedroom and stuff like SSM are nothing to me.There are also times where I seriously hate being gay, they happen from time to time. I just wish I wasn't gay, that I am a failure and I will never get happy so that I should just give up etc. and they generally end in me cutting or something.I just wanted this off my chest to be honest. I try and act happy but I am really not