I'm worried both my parents might disown me.

I'm just so worried. Every day, I have to deal with all the petty sh-t they throw at me, their gas-lighting (trying to convince me I'm crazy), their virtue signalling and their religious fanaticism. The worst part? They don't even know I'm into other guys. Why is that a problem? Because if/when they find out, things are going to get worse... and by worse, I mean that sh-t will really and truly hit the fan.For the first 8 or so years of my life, we were the picture-perfect family. I had so much opportunity in life; I started playing violin at age 3 (and I got really good at it!); I would also attend science camps in the summer that inspired me to be more curious about the world (and, eventually, to pursue a career in medicine). However, that paradise was fairly short lived. Things took a turn when my Father's American visa expired and we had to move back to my parents' home country.The dysfunction started some years ago with my older sister. She was in her early teens when she told my mom she wasn't Christian. Mother then became very hostile and emotionally abusive towards her, which caused her to have some issues with alcohol and drugs, as well as very serious eating disorders (bulimia and highly excessive binge eating). This culminated in a suicide attempt, just barely after she had started high school! At that time I was young and naïve, but I still knew that I loved my sister, and I wanted nothing more than for her to be happy. However, although she survived her suicide attempt, her high school life thereafter was so sh-tty that I'm not sure I want to write about it any more. Fortunately, she is in a much better position now (she has a budding career as an actress). But after she tried to kill herself, I knew that I did NOT want to be ridiculed like that by my b-tch of a mother.So, I decided to keep quiet about my identity until college. Despite being an Atheist, I politely attended church every Sunday, as I slowly progressed through middle school. In those days, it was really tough for me to be integrated into a community that fundamentally disagreed with my morality, but I stood my silent ground, determined to avoid any conflict. I had to keep thoughts of my sexuality totally quiet from everyone. I was alone in figuring out how I related to other people (...go figure). This was a lonely time for me. Even though I had so many friends, friendship was only on the surface, because inside, it just hurt so much to sacrifice my moral values every Sunday morning. All my friends were Christian, and I had pretty much no one to turn to for help.On my thirteenth birthday, my parents sat me down. Dad said he would be moving back to America for work purposes, and that he would visit us for two weeks every two months. How did I react? I was inspired! The fact that someone would make that kind of sacrifice for me, while making such a strong effort to be present in my life really meant a lot to me. I was truly happy with things. I was always excited to tell my friends that "my Dad lives in California," and "my Dad is an engineer!" We all were happy, for a while. But, as it seems with all things my family, feelings of shame and distrust soon developed. His visits suddenly became far less frequent, and my gut kept telling me there was something wrong, that he was omitting the truth somehow. A few hours before I boarded my flight home from visiting him in San Francisco, I found out that he had cheated on my mother a year ago, and that they would be separating. A few months later, instead of visiting me, he bought a plane ticket to visit his girlfriend's kids (who live in a different part of my country), instead of visiting me. Needless to say, that sucked. In a moment of (understandable) insecurity (keep in mind I was only 15), I told him that the extended family on my mom's side (who lived in the same city as his girlfriend's kids) didn't like him. He took that to mean that my mom's parents knew about the divorce, so, without running it by my mother first, he visited my maternal grandparents and inadvertently told them about the divorce. Lo and behold, they hadn't known about the divorce because mother had decided to keep it private from them. However, because I had said that my grandparents "didn't like him," apparently I had implied that they knew about it. So, he tried to blame the whole ordeal on me. I yelled at him over Skype for about an hour, and told him that I would reach out to him when I was ready. Things between him and I started to get extremely strained after that. I told him that I might change my last name and that I didn't want anything to do with his Girlfriend. Three months later, I received a text from him saying that his girlfriend was terminally ill with cancer. I didn't know how to react to the news, because, while on one hand, I hated her for the home wrecker she was, I also knew that no one deserved to suffer from such a disease.This is when my panic attacks started. Sometimes, they happened in my sleep and were followed by terrifying sleep paralysis. When I would wake up in sleep paralysis, I couldn't control anything except my eyes and my breathing. Other times, the panic attacks happened while I was awake. They happened at school, in the library, during tests, in the shower... everywhere. Chances are you know what a panic attack feels like, even if you've never had one. It's the same feeling as when you're in a life threatening situation; the pop of adrenaline in your stomach, the sweating and the heavy breathing. However, panic disorder is when you panic at seemingly random times even though there's no actual stimulus, even though your life is not in any way in danger. Perhaps, when I panicked, I was afraid that I had no value, or that I somehow wasn't good enough. Maybe I was afraid of people finding out I liked guys, or of conflict further escalating within my family. This caused me to do two things that were very uncharacteristic of me:I downloaded Grindr.I started falling behind in school.My first time was with a 25 year old Nigerian man (not exactly what I had previously pictured, but he actually turned out to be a really cool person). Where I live, the age of consent laws allowed us to be together, but the age difference was still weird. The sex was really good. In some strange way, being that attractive to another guy showed me once and for all that my personality and identity have value. I had previously tried to mess around with girls, but this was a lot different. We actually met a few times after that, but I ended up having to tell him that I had too much to deal with to maintain a relationship. On that note, I deleted Grindr.Side note: dudes, use protection! I feel so much more peace of mind knowing that I don't have an STD right now because I put a bag on it. Seriously, I know it feels better without one, but make sure if you are going to have unprotected sex, make 100% sure that you're both monogamous and that you both get tested first. It's common sense, but if there's one thing growing up among delusional people has taught me, it's that common sense ain't that common. Moral of the story, please use protection!Back on track: In my last year of high school, which is this year, I started to have a really hard time. The patterns of avoiding conflict that I had learned from my family turned into ridiculous procrastination at school. I actually lost friends because I didn't contribute to group projects. Teachers lost their trust in me, and my mother watched me like a hawk. See, she works at the school I attend. Having her breathing down my neck at home AND at school is absolute hell. In retrospect, no wonder I had such tremendous difficulty handing in assignments! But mother would have none of it. She would berate me for lying and threatened to cut off all future funding for college. She got me tested for several learning disabilities (even though I have an IQ of 140) called me a sociopath and got me tested for personality disorders (fun fact: turns out I'm officially not a sociopath, according to the psychologist), and tried to set me up with a Christian therapist (I wormed my way out of that one). The problem is that she doesn't have the capacity of introspection to realize that she's part of the problem! Not one of the stupid psychology tests she paid for has anything to do with actually helping me. She has given me zero benefit of the doubt. I just feel so resentful towards her, but when I try to bring any of it up, she counters it by virtue signalling, telling me how hard she works for this family. How is she going to react if I tell her everything? Believing what I want, and liking who I want shouldn't even be a big deal. She's so attached to her rigid beliefs that her life consists of trying to find any way to justify them. As such, all the decisions she makes are based on emotion, not logic.My father also threatened to cut off funding on personal grounds. He said that because my oldest sister (I have two older sisters. I'm not referring to the same one as earlier) is getting married, all the money is being funnelled towards her wedding. As of now, my father and I are not even on speaking terms. I told him the truth, which is that I'm not in a good enough headspace to talk to him. Since then, my panic attacks while awake have completely stopped, and I feel like I can think again. However, even if the wedding had not occurred, I'm not convinced he would have contributed anything to my university tuition anyway. This whole situation heavily concerns me, since I want to go into medicine, and if I don't receive parental support, I will incur untold amounts of debt. Not to mention that I can't apply for any scholarships because none of my teachers will write me reference letters. My assignments are nearly always good quality, but I failed to submit a lot of really minor assignments, plus the major ones were handed in mere minutes before the deadline.Overall, I'm stuck in such an incredibly difficult position. If not for the money, why should I even bother maintaining a relationship with my parents? They are simply not good, loving people. Their words say they love me, but their actions say otherwise. What the hell are they going to think if I come out? I can't see it going well, and to be honest, I don't feel safe telling them at this time. I would trade my rich and unloving parents for less well-off, but loving parents in a heartbeat. For those of you with parents who love you, please try to appreciate them, even if they don't give you all the material goods in the world. You're really lucky if your parents love you, and though they might make mistakes, you should really try to forgive them if they apologize. Frankly, I hate my parents. Some of the worst bullies you'll ever have in your life are adults. I don't think there's anything I can do at this point. I'm stuck in high school, with two parents that already give me hell, who don't know I'm gay or that I'm an atheist. I feel so worried every day that my future will be ruined by a text message, or by rumours about me reaching my mother. I can't maintain a relationship because I have too much crap to deal with from my parents. I can't get a scholarship because my mom works at my school, so I won't be nominated for anything, plus, she makes it so difficult to complete assignments that I simply can't complete them, thereby losing trust in my teachers. I feel like life has put me in such an unfair position and there's no way to get out. I'm trapped.