(Trigger Warning) My boyfriend committed suicide a few nights ago.

Trigger Warning for suicide, self-harm. Hey, I'm not really sure how to start this post, to be honest, I don't even know why I am posting. I feel lost, alone, abandoned, and afraid. I guess I'm just looking for advice.I have been depressed for a long time, I'd tell you to check my post history, but I delete all posts after a week or so. I met my boyfriend, Cody, in an inpatient facility. I was there because of some severe self-harm habits that were reinvigorated by a brutal conversion therapy session where I was raped, beaten and abused for several days. Over the next year, we became very close. I lived with him and for awhile things started to get better. I never really stopped cutting, but I definitely cut less. About 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend and I got in a fight, he was gone for a few days, and when he came back, we both agreed we needed help. So we found a good recovery center and set off. He dropped me off so he could go to the conversion therapy place and hurt as many people as he could before he shot himself in the head.I'm still here in the recovery center. But all I want to do is die. In a lot of ways I feel like im already dead. I thought things could be better for me, I thought things could be okay.I'm not really sure how to end this post. I guess I just want to say I'm sorry for wasting your time.Goodbye.