I've lived my life in a lie, so much regret.

Mind you, you'll need some mandatory information.First of all, I'm gay. A gay man living in a conservative village of Russia. How fun is that, right?Well no, it really isn't, as you may have guessed. All my life I've been locked inside of myself, trying not to act out on my feelings. So I've wrote it all down on a piece of paper, and that paper has been stuffed inside of my mattress for as long as I have remembered. I've thought about burning it a few times in fear of someone reading it out loud, but I could never bring myself to do it.I've married a young woman, who is my best friend, in a way. Except the fact that I do not feel even a slight sexual nor romantic attraction towards her, we seem to be doing alright in our marriage. I've forced myself to consume the marriage by having our very first time. I took her virginity, my own was now gone. But I've never felt so hopeless all my life. Believe me when I say it, there's nothing more heartbreaking than forcing yourself to act out on something you know will never be a part of you. For me that's a sex life with my own wife.Apparently, as a result of our "lovemaking" she is now pregnant. Our parents are ecstatic. She is ecstatic. I'm forced to act like a true husband would - pleased, encouraging, nurturing.And it's all because I could have never stepped up to my beloved parents, who have never suspected a thing about me. How could they, when all I've ever hoped for was for them never to suspect?It's wrong, and it's selfish, I know. But yet again, I'm seething because I could never marry another man and plan a family with him. And it's all I've ever dreamed about.