if there was a pill

if there was a pill to turn gay people straight, i would take it without hesitating.i've been out for four years, and what started as a blissful, freeing high has just descended into a stark misery governed by my sexuality.i am so tired of trying to pursue a healthy, normal relationship and achieving nothing but a growing collection of faceless messages telling me to come get my ass fucked. genuine, comfortable interactions with men come and go like mayflies, meandering through this chaotic cyclone of libido until they break my heart, i break theirs or we fuck and never speak again.i've been worn down! i don't believe in love anymore because my sight of it got lost in the wasteland that is my homosexuality. since coming out, i've been mocked in the streets, emotionally abused, sexually assaulted in a nightclub, lied to about STIs, and i have been raped. and, ultimately, i've been left to deal with it alone. i wash my hands of it.straight people encounter this kind of heartbreak and emotional attrition, too, but we suffer it tenfold. i sound like a whining child, but i find it so unfair that some genetic fuckery means i'm ejected away from the comfort of straight living and into a swamp of mind games and lovelessness.call me out for being a little pussy if you like, tear me to shreds for my weakness and lack of self respect, but it won't change the fact that hate being gay. it has reduced me to cynical, hollow, deeply unhappy shade of a man, and if i had the opportunity to jump ship into the shiny world of heterosexuality, i would take it in a heartbeat.