Today I lost my mother.

Sorry I need a place to vent. I'm 24 and my mom was way to young at 53. My mom and dad divorced when I was 18 and I moved away and left her, and my brother left for military duty. She was alone for awhile. Besides her new boyfriend who is a fantastic guy. About three years ago though my mom fell very ill. I can't even say exactly what it was. But probably over 50 surgeries. Down to 90 pounds. But many problems with stomach problems. Every month was a new surgery it seemed. Or a new operation. Sometimes more obviously. It became so normalized. I once went a whole year without seeing her. I didn't call enough. I didn't text her enough. All she did was text me and tell me she loved me so much. Many times I never responded because I was "too busy". My brother and I were her world. She constantly shared posts on Facebook telling my brother and I how much she loved us. I had timeline approval on. And many times would hide them. And not add them. I was my moms baby growing up. I loved her to death, and I still do love her with all my heart. She did many things that annoyed me, and we didn't see eye to eye on. And I let that get in the way of how much I cared and loved her. I thought this could never happen. And always thought, give her a few more years she will be back to her old self.Well Monday I got the call that she was going back to the er. I really thought nothing of it. My brother now lives in the same city as her. And usually kept himself detached from her health things. But for some reason he decided to get involved in this. He stayed with her every night. She was out of her mind with this sickness, hallucinating, unable to string words together to make sentences, unable to stand. Not the Nancy I knew. Not my mom. I was concerned because my brother was now concerned. It was Wednesday night my brother called me, the doctors brought up if she had a will, and who was able to make medical decisions for her if she wasn't able. I was now very concerned. The next morning, Thursday, (today or yesterday, however you want to look at it) I went to work as usual. Did a training class. Then decided to leave work and drive up and see my mom. Didn't think it was too serious. But just in case. I was driving pretty fast, but that's usual for me.I was three hours away from her, of my 9 hour drive, when I got the call that she had passed away. So unexpected, the pain was unbearable. The pain is still unbearable. The guilt I feel. I hate myself right now. She was the most perfect woman ever in the world. And i didn't realize it until now. I came out last year and she was so supportive of me. All she did was talk about us boys. I'm right now laying on my brothers couch. Clenching mom's jacket as tight as I can to my chest. Wishing it was her that I was holding in my arms.Please, if you have parents that have always been there for you, that love you no matter what. Please learn from me. Please call. Please text. Tell them you love them. Go see them. Let them know. The pain I feel right now cannot be described with words. And it's my fault.Please just take the second to send the message.End of jumbled up rant and rambling.