Am i a bad person?... Or just depressed and blaming myself?

My first post ever! soo... i kinda feel depressed and lonely since broke up from a narcist. My story begins: when i was 13yo i found my first love and we broke when we were 17yo because he realized hes more into girls.. My vocational college went way to hell! i became alcoholic because 4 years felt so long at those teen ages.. I found a job and i got kicked out of it because i couldnt focus at all. At 21 i met this narcist guy, yes i accepted that he "manipulated" me thats all my friends say. I loved him so much i even waited him almost 2 years because he sit in jail, i thought it really was worth it but in the end he abused me and smacked me every time he was drunk. I always ended up saying that i should leave but the love really blinded me. Last time with him was when he sexually abused a wasted straight man in front of me! I had no choice but to throw him out of my apartment and threaten him with cops and i know i went too far. I even made stupid mistakes after breaking, had sex with few guys and let my feelings burst out i dont know why, maybe i am really lonely.. I even set myself achievements in example.. Traveling around the world and meet new peoples, take care of myself but i really got nothing done. The nights feel so long and lonely.. I even ended up having to reject some nice guys i really could have future with but i cant because i broke up 2 months ago.. Am i bad if i dont reply to MSG from guys in Dating apps? I am really lost, i dont know what should i even do.. My friends are busy at work i dont want to bother them with my health.. I know suicide isnt option, I stopped blaming myself for everything he spout at me, im still young and have future in front of me.. Do really loyal and kind people deserve bad things?... What are you'r thoughts? what should i do?? Any advice will brighten me up! Sorry for my bad english!!