I'm scared of not being cute.

I know that sounds strange, but it's true.Basically, the way I identify myself is with femininity. I feel like that's who I am inside. It makes me very happy and when I can express my femininity I feel a sense of fulfilment and completeness. I spent a long while pretending to be masculine and when I finally stopped with that mask, I felt amazing. People accepted me for who I was too, which was a huge bonus. When I catch a glimpse of myself looking brutish or overly masculine, I feel down. It doesn't feel like me. It feels like the old fake me. When I see older men, it looks like femininity is much harder to convey. If I go bald, that will make me feel like a part of me is missing. Being a balding old man and trying to look feminine sounds really difficult.It's less so to do with how other people view me and more so to do with just feeling like myself. If people thought looking feminine was ugly or undesirable (which some people do I suppose), I would still do it. I don't care about that. I have a long term boyfriend and I think he would love me no matter what I looked like. It's more just about how I feel when I look at myself. If I looked at myself and I was very masculine-looking, I'd feel incomplete. When I've asked female friends about this, they reiterate the same sentiment. If their femininity was taken away, they'd feel like a part of them was taken because they wouldn't be able to express themselves. This is how I feel, but in my case I'm male so it just feels like the biological clock is harsher for me, if that makes any sense. I'm sure that there is a certain sense of that for all old people. Maybe old ladies look back and wish they could be as graceful as they were when they were young, but I don't know. I just don't seem to be able to handle this idea well.When I ask male friends, they just seem to deal with it. Sure, nobody wants to age, but other people just seem to man up and take it. If my boyfriend aged badly or went bald he'd be sad but he wouldn't freak out in the same way that I do. I recognise that there is something unhealthy going on here with me. I have a phobia of aging because I just fear that it will remove my a large part of my identity. It just sounds harder to be me, as an older person. I respect older people, I really do. I'm not trying to be ageist. I personally just have some kind of internalized shame or fear to do with aging that I can't pinpoint the origin of. How do I come to terms with this? Has anyone else struggled with this? I'm open to criticism and suggestions, as long as it's constructive. I know that I have an issue, so I don't need to be told how messed up it is or how shallow I am. I don't feel shallow inside, but this problem is intertwined with the way I look so I can understand why someone might think that. I would really appreciate advice.