I just need to get my feelings out there

I don’t really know what it is that I want to say or convey in writing this. All I know is that I just want to write to get it out and leave it there. It’s not that I don’t love myself or anything like that, but I really just don’t feel like I am ever going to be perfect or attractive enough for someone to truly love me. That might just be because of the fact I can’t ever accept the fact I am gay out in public maybe just the fear of everyone besides my family abandoning me scares the heck out of me. I have come out to my family no problems besides a few glitches in how I came out (wasn’t the way I exactly wanted it to go), my family has been really accepting of me. They have even defended gay rights in thought of me so that does count for something. My issue is that once I come out as gay in public I feel like nothing is going to change. Yea, that might sound dumb but I just want for someone to take me off my feet and date me then like right away. I mean that is how it is on television and other things for the most part. Like queer as folk Justin was already dating someone and he was happy when he came out. I am not though and that is what really scares me that when I come out no one will love me or find me attractive because I am just a little chubby. It’s hard for me to want to come out in the environment that the gay community has created for me. It feels more hostile then just staying in the closet and hating every minute of it because you feel so lonely and unloved because there is no intimate connection. This is my double edge sword that I deal with constantly and have to decide between and it hurts me every minute just being there with my friends and them so clearly denying what they already know. Do I come out and maybe find someone but maybe I wouldn’t find someone because at 18 I am not like every other twink and I sure as heck don’t look the same as them either, or do I just stay in the closet and never find love because I don’t feel like my looks make me worthy of love. I am unsure if it has just been me that feels this way that since I don’t look stunning and flawless that I should just stay in the closet because there is no way for me to ever feel like I am good enough for anyone to love me. Yes this deals with my self-worth and I am not trying to place blame in society for how I feel about myself. Yet it just feels like no matter how hard I try to feel good about myself I just can’t because there is always the fact I have a little bit more weight on me then the average gay person. Should I tune out all the negative voices within me, there are still like twenty coming from online and other media outlets. Take for example profiles on Grindr for example “not fats, no femmes, no blacks just a preference sorry.” Is this really what we have come down to in a community that I should want to join and come out to, because it seems that it becomes even harder for me to even want to do that as these people will just cut out whole groups of people based on appearance. For me to have gone out and bought laxatives in order to purge away food that I have eaten in order to become a certain body type is something that needs to stop. While some of that anxiety and lack of self-worth does come from within myself, it is time as a community that we become more accepting of one another because for some people it is all they have instead of fostering hatred hidden behind this rainbow colored veil of love.