Idealistic Hypocrite

Here I am at 23, finishing my final semester in Med School with exams over my head , and I think I am really out of my depth for the first time in my life. I am decent looking guy and up until now I have been academically extremely well oriented. And I am an idealist. I believe in perfection.I believed when I choose to be a doctor, it wasn't going to be easy. Yet I knew I liked challenges and I knew that just by believing I can be the perfect version of myself, I can get there.I believed that every guy/girl (I am a bisexual) I ever dated since past 4 years were the one and pursued them with an idealistic passion.I believed that just by accepting that I am bisexual would be I become more comfortable carrying it out with a perfect balance.I believed not playing into my parent's wishes and doing things what I want was the way to go about life. The idealistic rebel if you will.And now I don't know if I believe in anything. I want to be an idealist. I want to have perfection.But how can I achieve perfection when everything I thought I wanted was imperfect from the very first go?The pitfalls in my profession hits me hard. I understand the bureaucracy and the lack of empathy associated with it. Yet I hate the fact that, that's going to be me in my residency. (Esp in Surgery).I had this perfect idea of a relationship which had wild turbulence to it yet with a safety of home. Instead I ended up with a string of relationships that starts out passionately like I want. And I get bored and I just avoid them later inevitably dumping themOr if I somehow manage to go to stable place with them, I start disliking the safety of it all.I don't know if the fault is with me or the guys and girls I have dated. Its a feeling that I end up thinking they are not perfect for me ( like, they are not driven in their own life, or just too emotionally unstable or simply sometimes not attractive enough, yes I have been shallow at times) And when they do end up to be perfect in my eyes. I start feeling I am not perfect in my own eyes for them and I think I subconsciously start pushing them away. So not the idealistic relationship I wanted.Bringing me to the last part. I thought I was comfortable with who I was. I don't think I am. I just hate sex. I like it till I have got my rocks off. After that it's not a good feeling. And I hate that Sex is so important to every guy and girl. In my head, I wish that I end up with someone for who sex is not important.Which is very ironic because I want to have sex when I am with someone. It's only after I have had it. I just don't want to see that person again. Its not guilt. I just feel disgusted.(Again I know I am not sounding politicallly correct and that's the reason I am scared to talk about it with any person who is tangible and real)I have maintained this image of near perfection and confidence about who I am. ( I am only out to my mom and my best friends). Everyone around me sees me as there is nothing wrong with me. Sometimes even getting jealous.And because of that I don't think I can ever tell anyone about all of this. Because I have played my role too well for too long. And I don't think I can convince otherwise even if I wanted to. And secondly because I don't want to. I don't want to sound pathetic and emotionally unstable. I am proud of the fact that I can take it all so well and not appear fazed. I would hate if anyone saw my facade.And lastly. Yes. I sound like a hypocrite. I most probably am one. And hopefully this is my way of introspecting. Thank you for reading. If you did read, Because I wouldn't have. I don't have that patience to listen to pseudo-emotional mumbo jumbo. And this feels exactly like that