I am a mostly straight guy who fell in love with a guy and ended up with a broken heart.

i am in a very vulnerable, heartbroken place right now and the moon is in aquarius which is said to be a time where people come together collectively to help each-other and the internet is a very “aquarius” thing, so here i am coming undone to you all.this has been one of the most confusing, hardest, difficult things i have ever done and i need a reality check from other eyes on the outside looking in that aren’t my friends or therapist.i have been a mostly straight guy my whole life, i never had that experience of “knowing” i was queer or gay or anything that i could relate to in a traditional LGBTQ narrative because i’ve always just been sexually attracted to women. i’ve also always looked at gay men as resemblance of femininity, something pretty to destroy and i guess someone who was born so intense and emotional. i guess i could say i learned that it’s more about the person then the gender you fall for…so in the beginning of the year i linked up with a guy i met when i was a teenager (i’m in my early 20s now and so is he) - and one night we hooked up, and i introduced him to my “cash play” fetish… (i have a fetish to treat the people i am having sex with like prostitutes), so i came on his face, denied him and dommed him and gave him a couple hundred bucks.from then he kept pushing to hang out, so we did and i fell hard for everything about him. totally fell in love.somehow we both ended up in something that ended up resembling a relationship, unplanned. i am a young millionaire and he’s not very well off, so i offered to give him a thousand dollars allowance each month to take care of him… from then on, i spent thousands of dollars on anything he wanted, i was there for him at the drop of a hat. i did everything for him out of blind love. i helped him with his career. everything. what i could give him was my love language.i was always cool with doing whatever he wanted and giving him money within the circle of us being romantically monogamous and sexually open but he had SO many blocks around intimacy: he would never make-out with me, he would never cuddle me, he would never allow himself to go there made me extremely paranoid - and i started to obsess over the fear of the guys he was hanging out with:“what if they are getting the things i want out of him?” “what if they are cuddling and making out? what if something is wrong with me? what if he just views me as a sugar daddy type?”obviously he liked and cared about me enough to deal with my constant reassurance seeking and fear, and spent hours with me - i know he did like me but those intimacy blocks really made me insecure. i really understand it’s NOT fair to push your ocd/anxiety bullshit onto another person but this was all so new.the twist is this person hates relationships, and intimacy - and has a lot of trauma around relationships and constantly was trying to fight off the idea we were in one because he never wanted that to happen yet he liked me so much, and wanted me to stick around so he made me the compromise. i realized my entitlement to those things right off the bat was juvenile, and that it takes a lot of time for people to get to a place where they are comfortable to do that and it’s not my fault, he has these wounds. he has a lot of fear of monogamy now,.i made some mistakes like trying to fuck his friends, or feeling like i was apart of this peer group as a single person because our relationship was secret but that was wrong to do. i also went on his phone once and saw texts with a guy off instagram where he was completely offering to do sub- things that i wanted to do but with other people which sent me into blind rage. (the issue we had - we were both tops and he swore to be a gold-star top type, but he was my sub. note: i only got my dick sucked 3 times in a year from him.)anyways - after months, weeks and hours of constant fighting. yesterday he finally admitted to me that he’s been settling to be with me but the whole time he’s wanted to be seeing other people and basically be single in a way where he doesn’t have to be considerate of another person’s feelings when making his decisions, he’s said he’s liked guys and pulled back in being more intimate with them out of fear of hurting me.i am devastated and i want to be with him because i truly do love him but i just can’t settle with being one out of the many guys he is seeing and he’s kind of making me seem crazy for not being ok with that. so am i?and also can anyone also help me understand his mind state? i just can’t relate -when we break - up in person, i want to shock him and suck his dick for the first time like the bottoms he picks up off on grindr - just as a goodbye, showing how much i care… is that a bad decision?do i stay in his life and continue to be his partner while knowing he is being romantic with other people, all so i can have him?is it because seeing multiple people who are also single and don’t want commitment but want to be cute/have fun is less responsibility, and makes him feel more safe?does it not get empty seeing multiple people knowing they aren’t staying around and yeah maybe you guys like each-other but it’s not the true bond that comes out of a real relationship?what is the reward out of seeing multiple people who are also seeing multiple people? is it freedom?i feel like i’m going to be one of those people now who experimented with the same sex and now have trauma around the same sex, and mentally and physically just can’t go there anymore…any words of encouragement or help as i am crying in bedi’ll forever be in your graces