being gay and life stuff

I just wanted to get some stuff off of my chest and maybe ask for some advice. Yes, my post might hurt some people's feelings, but I am being realistic and writing my thoughts and opinions on things. Forgive me for not really staying on topic, I'm just writing whatever comes to mind, not really asking for anything specific.I'm 18 years old, freshman at college. I'm gay and I'm attracted to men. Unfortunately, I am attracted strictly to straight/extremely masculine/bi dudes, and literally every gay guy that I see/meet is feminine as hell, self absorbed, and moody, and I'm not into that at all. I'm trying to somehow suppress my sexuality in a way and try to focus on my studies and other stuff, because I know I'll never really be with a person that I'm 100% into. Yes, it sucks, but it is what it is. I'm into straight dudes and I can't have what I want.I have tried joining various clubs and distract myself with activities, but that doesn't really work. I'm really depressed, and don't have anyone to talk to about these things. Not motivated to go to class because I feel like there's no point in anything that I do. I act straight (not to hide my sexuality, but naturally) and none of my friends have any idea that I'm gay. If I were to come out to them I know for a fact that they would treat me differently. Even if they'd say something like "I'm glad you came out bro" or "that's cool', I know that our relationships would never be the same and there would be a certain degree of discomfort in the atmosphere. Can't really make friends with girls either because either they either think I'm into them or they become sexually attracted to me and then there's a problem. I came out to 3 of my closest friends, 2 of which just didn't know how to respond and were shocked and just stopped talking to me. The other one handled it better and still talks to me but we are nowhere near close friends at this point and he has distanced himself away from me a lot. I gave up on dating and hookup apps after constantly refreshing for 3 months straight. There have to be guys out there just like me but they're probably just closeted. In my opinion, most people who come out as gay either -act really feminine to the point where there's no point in trying to hide it because it's so obvious, or -didn't go through what others have gone through in terms of peer pressure, getting disowned, etc. I wrestled for 5 years and know how most straight guys' minds work when it comes to gay guys. They only "become" tolerant of gay people once someone close to them is gay or when they are directly affected by it. Everyone on the team made gay jokes and uses that as a heavy insult and act disgusted when talking about that topic. When I'm with them and we pass by a gay dude, they act "tolerant" and when we leave they continue talking sh*t. I feel like this is most of the guys that I meet. If I were to come out I'd always feel insecure about my relationships with guy friends because they'd probably be uncomfortable with it. Obviously there are people that are totally fine with that, I'm not being oblivious to that fact. I'm taking about the majority of guys out there.Then I start thinking about my future and current situation. I'm very poor and me and my mom are barely paying off my tuition. My brother and my mom have moved out from our old apartment into a smaller one, so there's really no place for me to stay after I graduate. (I'm studying a bit far from home). This puts enormous amounts of pressure on me because If I don't get good grades and a good job after graduating, I'm totally screwed. Naturally this pushes out any of my ambitions/things that I want to do for a living away and leaves me no choice but to aim for a career with high pay, no matter how miserable I'm going to be. After all, I'm have to take care of myself and both of my parents, as well as paying off my students loans. My brother doesn't have a job and can barely support himself, so I'll likely have to help him out financially as well. *note: my family is extremely homophobic and will 100% disown me if I come out.Thinking further, I begin wondering what my life will be like. By the time I become financially stable and pay off all my debts, I'll probably be around 35 years old, and the good part of my life will be gone. Writing this out feels extremely morbid and heartbreaking but I also feel some kind of relief putting it into words.I won't even have a "normal" relationship. I know, people will get upset by this, but I don't consider gay relationships "normal" (there's probably a more accurate word for what I mean but I can't quite pin it down). I will never be able to share a biological child with my partner. I won't even be able to have natural sex. Anal sex grosses me out. I don't despise myself for being gay, because I am what I am, but I'm definitely not in the greatest situation in the world.Whenever I'm with my friends and they start talking about their "life struggles" about how they can't pick between which art class to take or how their parents left them the more banged up car, I get so frustrated that sometimes I just get up and leave. I get jealous of how other guys have such an easier time being straight. They have a hundred times larger pool of sexual partners, and they don't have to struggle to fit in with their same-sex friends. None of this sh*t even goes through their heads. I wish I could afford to think about parties and going out all the time, but that's really hard being a closeted gay dude. Again, I'm talking about the majority here; I know there are people who have their own separate issues.I guess that's all I have for now. I just felt really emotional and I don't have anyone in my life who I can talk to about this openly, so I decided to post this here. Thanks for reading if you did.