Sigh, I've been debating making this post for months (advice maybe?) (Long)

This one is very very long (almost a chapter from my autobiography)So I've been debating making this post for month now as I love to give advice and talk about things but I'm honestly pretty awful at taking care of myself in reality. I am 23, fresh college graduate, and I am perpetually lonely and have the high libido of a ex roman catholic repressed college student who was to focused on graduating to actually get around. Also meeting people is ridiculously difficult, and I went to an art college. But this sounds so familiar, I agree so lets make it more depressing. Last summer about a month from now I decided I didnt want to be so afraid of dating anymore. I was afraid of dating because when I was 16 I knew I was attracted to men and found myself in a relationship with a man the age I am now. It didnt go very far and he ended up leaving town without saying goodbye and me being 16 and lonely was quickly pursued by a 32 year old wiccan crystal seller who one night when we were both drunk and high in his apartment attempted to force me to give him a blowjob. After that affair I basically went into queer relationship coma. I backed away from it all and I basically just never talked about my sexuality or relationships with anyone or what happened to me. So last summer being that it was my final year of college I wanted to let that part of me go. So I went on tinder and had a few dates. I ended up meeting this guy who I really liked and we decided to meet. I picked early in the day because I didnt want this to be a hook up. I really didnt want this to be a hook up. We had coffee and then decided to grab a drink, one drink lead to more drinks, which lead to his house and me while trying to impress him and him telling me keep going, I end up drinking way more than I should have and before I knew it he was kissing me and I swear a second passes and I was completely naked on the floor of his apartment unable to move and him trying to get inside of me even though I wasnt hard and pretty much passing out. I had no idea what was happening and now I really can only pull out of my mind so much of what happened. Eventually he gives up, I throw up, and he tells me to leave. Im completely unaware and drunk so I decide it's my fault and i apologize and even kiss him on my way out, which fucking HORRIFIES ME to think about. As I leave stumbling through the door sockless and still trying to button up my shirt, it all hits me. I slowly try to walk down this stairs even though I am beyond drunk at this point I can hardly move. I cant stop crying, I start having a panic attack, I fall into a bush like a block from his apartment and call my sister begging her to come find me because I cant move. The rest of the night is a blur. I just know there was alot of crying and alot of pain from this guy trying to get into me without a condom or lube or anything. I dont know what to call that. I dont really blame the guy because we were both drunk and the lines of consent get hazy. I don't feel good about calling it anything. I've just referred to it as a very bad evening during a very bad month. The month ends with me going to a counselor who tells me I seem to be extremely good at taking care of myself and that I seem to be dealing with it all fine. Emotionally abusive stepfathers make that all very easy to mask. what can I say, I'm a great liar.The year progresses with me going NUTS and becoming super aggressive and fucking up a bunch of relationships and a family member who I was estranged to getting very ill and me ending up more alone that I've been in a few years even though I am surrounded by carefully collected people who know what I am and what happened and how to know when I am lying.So after all of that which explains what position I am in my question is how do I get passed all of this fear? Due to my queer communities being so small I constantly fear running into him, so i hardly do anything in it. How am I supposed to get intimate with someone without jumping back to what happened? How do you meet someone outside of dating apps and clubs who is willing to deal with all of this history. I'm a wait-er, I dont mind time. But right now I am exceedingly lonely and flop between being like yeah single coolio to being like good fucking lord someone come sleep in the same bed as me because I don't want to wake up alone tomorrow. I'm taking a trip next week and I'm thinking about going out to gay clubs and just dancing and letting whatever I feel good about happen. But only what I want and can control, even though I am terrified of something worse happening.Thanks for reading. I am going to save this and delete it when I feel like its existed in the public for long enough. I just need to get this out.