Wasted Youth

I'm a 27 year old gay man who has spent basically the last four or five years being afraid that I would waste my 20s and now I can confidently say that I have completely wasted them.In high school I was too afraid to come out. I also didn't believe that I was attractive. It was always my dream to be thin and fit, a dream which to this day I have never achieved despite desperately trying to do so over and over.I lost my virginity at 20 to a guy that was really hot, but it wasn't intercourse it was just a hand job and I was too self conscious to climax. We started dating but I thought it was too good to be true. I was right.We've been together ever since then and its been an emotionally abusive relationship the whole time. He has cheated on me continuously. He cheats on me to this day with an endless carousel of college boys that are entirely out of my league.We've had good sex once or twice but only because I was a desperate virgin. I don't enjoy sex any more. I turn myself off and can't stop thinking about the gorgeous guys he will get it from when I don't deliver. He's still the only one I've ever been with, but I can't stand it any more.I have tried to break up with him. Every time he cries and makes me feel like a monster.He begs me to stay and makes promises that we both know he will never keep. Later he always brings up the times I tried to end the relationship to make me feel guilty for trying to leave him.He lives in my home and doesn't even pay rent. I always see him getting expensive new designer clothes and underwear in the mail. I wish I were thin enough to dress like him. He is naturally thin with perfect skin and has never dieted or exercised.Meanwhile I am now overweight from eating through my endless depression. I would have to lose 50 pounds to have the body I've been fantasizing about since I was 14. Even if we broke up and I got my life back together, I would be 30 years old by the time I got into shape. The days where I could experiment and find my sexuality are gone forever. Not to mention that I've probably ruined my skin anyways. I can't dress how I want to. I'm too old for that now. I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I skipped over an important part of my emotional development and it can never really be fulfilled. I will never be a whole person.You might be reading this and think to yourself “who is this pathetic idiot? This is all his fault for being such a loser.” You would be right to think that. I didn't have to be such a coward all these years, but I was. I'd have killed myself by now, but I'm too much of a coward to do that even.